I Can't Get Behind That

"New technology is turning me into an old crotchety bastard."

2010-09-02T09:07:00.002-04:00

I tweeted that @betajames this morning.

Yes, that is a massive amount of irony.

Really, I should've written something along the lines of my distaste for social networking (more irony) and it's ever-growing implementation into our daily activities. Apple announced that in the next iTunes update they will be introducing Ping, a means to "Like" music you're listening to and follow artists to see what they "Like" (because we all wanted to know exactly what music continues to inspire Nickelback).

This piggybacks a commercial I saw last night advertising a television with Twitter, Facebook, and YouTube capabilities. T9 on a remote, anyone?

It really wouldn't surprise me if we get socially networked cars soon to tell everyone where we are going in real-time.

What about sharing your most recent Kindle reads?

Maybe Ping will be great, but I wonder why it is becoming that increasingly difficult to disconnect.

- Worm

I Hate Your Boyfriend And/Or Girlfriend

2010-09-01T20:46:00.000-04:00

That is all.

- Worm

This Isn't Even My Face

2010-06-28T20:55:00.003-04:00

It's a fist in my face. So why would you tag me on Facebook?

I Hate That Every Entry I Write Is About Fbook

2010-06-05T14:39:00.003-04:00

But really, I have no place else to vent.

The following is the new way to alert people you're having marital problems.

You'd better believe I submitted that to Lamebook.

- Wormstrum.

Child Leashes Are Old School

2010-05-31T12:01:00.003-04:00

I've long been amused by the child leash. Call it a backpack all you want, make it into a cute thing, it's still strapped to the kid and parents can lead them around by it.

That always makes me chuckle. Maybe because it's such a departure from my upbringing of being able to roam free on a 100-acre camp. Or because my parents made darn sure I was well-behaved in public.

What brought this topic up was I came across a great issue of National Geographic that features the kid leash on the cover.

And when was that published?

June, 1961.

All I can say is...awesomesauce.

Being all productive and whatnot today,
Worm.

Oh Great, He's Backkkkk

2010-05-22T08:22:00.001-04:00

Not surprised in the least. Here's how I breakdown some of the comments:

"Jim Leyland also said that he felt Wells was Detroit's second-best outfielder behind center fielder Austin Jackson."

- Sure, it's an ego boost for Wells, but doesn't help rationalize sending him down.

"Leyland noted that Raburn's ability to play the infield and outfield comes in handy when playing by

National League rules, but said that wasn't the reason the move was made."

- If his utility ability wasn't a reason for the move, why mention it? Plus, I can't imagine a scenario where we'd have a complete shortage of outfielders and infielders that only Raburn could be used to fill in. We still have Don Kelly, last I checked.

Obviously Raburn is a Leyland favorite and wanting him on the roster is a result of his performance last year. But that's the most important part about it. "Last year." Pro sports are very much a what-have-you-done-for-me-lately business. Remember everyone wanting Magglio gone last season? I gave him the benefit of the doubt since he has a rich history of performing. Raburn has one year as a back-up.

- Worm

Facebook Etiquette

2010-05-15T23:55:00.003-04:00

I should write a book on it.

1) Don't write about your bowel movements.

2) Don't post pictures of you breastfeeding your baby.

3) Don't update your status about the fact that you're getting married that day when you didn't invite all 441 of your Fbook friends.
Particularly a friend whom you had:

a) driven across the entire upper peninsula of Michigan with to go to a mutual friend's wedding.

b) attended a Michigan State football game with, FOR FREE.

c) gone to a baseball game and participated in between inning events together.

Fart you,
Worm.

Well That's Not A Very Religious Post...

2010-04-19T21:17:00.003-04:00

While driving back to Indy, I noticed a billboard advertising a recent tour of a pair of ministers, one of which was female. The title in HUGE letters "Burning Bush."

That just seemed odd to me. Jim Gaffigan's comment about Moses burning some bush came to mind. But, as did...ya know, pubic hair.

I won't be attending.

- Worm

Yes, I'm Still Bitter

2010-04-10T14:47:00.002-04:00

The following is an engagement photo my ex-girlfriend posted on Fbook. There's just something about it that doesn't seem very...engaging?

And a special kudos goes out to the half dozen followers of this blog. And the recent commenters...commentators...people leaving comments. I don't know how you found this blog, but I appreciate your readership. Might this mean I'll write more?

- Worm

Fbook Relationship Status...

2009-12-13T22:17:00.003-05:00

Is it bad that I wish this would appear as the following?The answer is no.

- Worm

Wedding...

2009-09-22T01:01:00.001-04:00

Fail?

What say ye, o Bradeth and Theresa?

- Worm

I Hate The Phrase "Random Acts Of Kindness"

2009-08-25T20:11:00.002-04:00

There's not too much random about it, other than the opportunity. It's really premeditated.

First, you have to be a nice enough person at heart to want to do that.

Second, you always debate about helping. Would they appreciate it? Is it a safe situation? Do I have enough time?

All of these things add up in your mind, you do the math, and you decide.

Now, I'm not writing this for any one person in particular...other than myself. See, I've gotten off track in recent years with being a good person. I always considered myself a "nice guy" (hence no girlfriend, oh!), but I really didn't have any basis to lay that claim as of late.

So tonight, after my run, I decided to do something I haven't done in awhile; I helped someone.

The act itself really doesn't matter and I'm not posting this to brag about it. It's a reminder for me to get back to where I started. To do what my parents taught me, what my faith taught me.

And who knows, maybe this is the start of something good, which I don't think anyone can pass up.

Waiting another 6 months until he posts something "deep,"
Worm.

How Creepy Am I?

2009-08-16T15:36:00.002-04:00

Now, this story will not top the epic-ness that was me meeting a girl at a bar, knowing only her first name and where she went to college, and sorting through hundreds of Amanda's to find her on Facebook.

See, I had this awful waffle of a night Friday. I went out solo, talked to a wide variety of women, and got shut down repeatedly. But with a clear head on Sunday, I'm starting to remember some random details.

I was talking to three women my age and after awhile I insisted we go to a different bar to dance (yes, I said dancing). We never said when we were going to leave, so they went off to the bathroom. And I waited for them to come back. And waited. And waited. Naturally I saw them at that dancing club later and basically just said hi. And that was that.

Fast forward to Sunday evening when out of curiosity I looked up one of the girls on Facebook. No, not by the same pain-staking process of sorting through countless 4kb pictures. Plus, I couldn't when I didn't remember her name (whoopsy!). I looked up where she worked (local college track coach, pretty easy) and did a FB search. Sure enough, it's her and we have plenty of things in common (she has Star Wars in her interests, f'ing OMG!).

With that and mind, do I friend her?

Since PharmNerd is the only person who reads this, he shall have the final say, even if his answer is for his own personal enjoyment of being able to live vicariously through me.

- Worm

I Just Took A Dump...

2009-08-05T19:48:00.002-04:00

...but I did not update my FB status about it.
- Worm

Worst Wedding Dress Ever

2009-08-01T00:19:00.004-04:00

And I can say that because she didn't invite me to her wedding. Hell, I haven't talked to her in a year!

Now, there may be a perfectly good explanation for the hideous dress (could've been her mom's from the 60s) and the random log cutting (...I've got nothing). But, I don't care. Ugly andddddd stupid.

Yes, that's how elaborate these posts are going to be.

FTS,
Worm

Babies Are Ugly Part 8000

2009-05-27T20:11:00.003-04:00

I honestly don't know when my buddy's wife gave birth, but the kid has to be at least half a year old and just now is starting to show cute qualities.

And considering all the friends I have with babies, this doesn't really address a specific one. Yah for procreation!

- Worm

Of Course He Is...

2009-05-08T23:57:00.002-04:00

Because you're fifteen, you current and future douche!

- Worm

I Died A Little On The Inside...Just Now

2009-04-14T18:40:00.002-04:00

On Facebook, I noticed a series of picture with potentially attractive women. So, I clicked on it. There were a couple lookers, nothing to really write home about, but then I noticed why these photos were taken. The group of late 20s, early 30s ladies were embarking on a trip to see, wait for it........

New Kids On The Block.

Complete with Jello shots and NKOTB names written all over the SUV they traveled in.

I...got nothing else.

- Worm

It Twas An Evening Of Bowling

2009-03-17T16:52:00.001-04:00

I had a special request (see, I cater to my readers) for a note on our bowling experiences last night in Jackson. This will be rather short since I don't have a ton to elaborate on other than the countless Your Team's that could've been called. So, I guess let's run with that and ignore my ability to get any higher than 110 in recent years.

----------

The bowling alley is always an intriguing environment. It seems that no matter what lanes you choose, there's always that same crazy carpeting. Anyone have some commentary on why that is? My only conclusion is that it is the best pattern for puking on after bowling a 230 despite 3 pitchers of beer.

Colorful, yet absorbent.

Then there's always the same bowling alley food. Your standard greasy-spoon-whatever-you-can-fry menu and cheap, relatively nasty beer. Would it kill a chef to add some Caesar salad to the mix?

But really, the food, the carpeting, and so on...the whole ambiance really feeds into the crowd that is attracted to bowl on a regular occasion. Much like the consistency of the surroundings, you can expect the same bowlers each time you go out. You could really create a checklist to determine how often that person bowls.

All three and you probably are in league play.

Essentially, it looks like the trailer park decided to spend the night out. But don't get me wrong, I do enjoy bowling and even if I lived in a mansion, I'd still go play. Although I'd likely have a lane or two in my basement so I could work on my pins.

Either way, Fink really summed it up best in two statements: "For those that have no other life skills or talents, God gave them bowling." [edit]

And that's why when you can't pick up 4 spares with 2 pins or less, you can still get satisfaction by shouting "I'm a doctor!"

Can't get no satisfaction,
Worm

Poopdick #2

2009-03-15T11:00:00.003-04:00

In my continually evolving series, I'd like to induct member number 2 to our elite club.

The backstory: I went to a wedding last summer and hit on that girl. She was wearing bright red heels, bright red hooker lipstick, and a bright red-white polka dot dress. It was quite the attention-getter, although probably not appropriate for a wedding. So, I hit on her and we got to talking about veterinary medicine. Turns out she's a vet tech and I had interned at her hospital before. Things are going swimmingly until she mentions her boyfriend. Less than 30 seconds later I end the conversation and don't speak to her the rest of the night.

While on Facebook at a later date, I happen to see her on my friend's list and decide to message her. All of a sudden, less than a couple weeks after the wedding, she's single. I express my dismay, she laughs (well, e-laughs).

A couple months back I noticed her profile picture had changed to something with a guy. I checked her relationship status and sure enough, she was dating a guy who was also on Facebook...and in his 40s. Okay, MAYBE late 30s. Either way, yeah, she's dating that elderly poopdick. Not only am I already more successful, better looking, and don't have to resort to women a decade plus younger than me, I have a far more impressive handlebar.

Fuck your Schwinn, sir,
Worm.

I Would've Written About...

2009-03-15T10:49:00.000-04:00

...people writing fake notes on Facebook (filling out surveys) since a co-worker asked me to.

Then I looked at my notes section and it turns out she is a member of that guilty party.

Just seems a little too harsh now...

- Worm

Confused

2009-02-21T20:28:00.001-05:00

Read this on Facebook from a girl who sings at a church I've attended: "I am 23 years old, been married for over 6 years, been with my husband for about 11 years..."

So that means...they've been dating since she was twelve. Does that strike anyone else as odd?

- Worm

The Cost Of Wisdom

2009-02-19T22:41:00.001-05:00

At my dentist appointment today, I was informed that it would cost roughly 750 dollars to have my wisdom teeth removed (yes, I should've done this ages ago and while on Mama Worm's insurance). Chances are I'll get it done, even though only one actually bothers me.

So in order to feel better (it didn't work) about dropping this kind of cash on entirely elective surgery, I started thinking of what other things I could get for that kind of money. Here's what I came up with:

6 weeks of rent

3 Xbox 360 Pro systems

Nearly 2 PS Triples

15 video games

2 full Jos. A. Bank suits and one pair of pants (on sale, so none of which would fit me)

50 pairs of Express boxers

1 awesome dad guitar

Or, best of all, 500 Big Apple blueberry bagels that look like the butt of Smurfette.

And yes, I ate that. Looks like Kyle Jay and I have something in common!

Finishing the data pull,
Worm.

Tis A Crime To Be Skinny

2009-02-16T20:04:00.000-05:00

Bear in mind this note carries a lot of sarcasm and again isn't meant to offend anyone (since weight is always such a touchy subject as it is).
---------

After a long day at work, I took off to the nearest Joseph A. Bank to take advantage of their three suits for $450 sale. Considering I only have two suits in my wardrobe, the thought of more than doubling my collection had me a bit giddy.

I arrived to size up the suits and was greeted by a friendly sales rep. We started with a 38 jacket which fit...okay. Then went down to a 37 jacket which fit better. Then a 36 seemed to be the perfect fit (yeah, surprised me too since I am normally a 38) . Nice and snug, yet with enough room to move unencumbered.

I was informed that they'd have to order the proper suits in my size since they didn't carry many 36s. I was in no rush with no pending job interviews. But as the salesman dug into the situation a bit further, it turns out that only certain colors are available in 36 or 37.

And that they would only be the three button variety.

And that the pants may be pleated.

And that any other style suit in those sizes would be more expensive.

Suddenly, this deal was a deal no more and I was walking out the door suitless.

Before I called Papa Worm to express my dismay, it dawned on me how ironic of a situation I had just experienced. For once, I was too skinny (or short?). Not just too skinny for football or too skinny for women to routinely jump my bones (sarcasm, remember?), but too skinny for proper clothing. A sad day indeed.

So the next time you're wanting to drop a few pounds or cheering on contestants in The Biggest Loser, just remember the skinny guy doesn't always win.

Off to roam the wastelands before writing a policy,
Tapeworm.

A-Rod To Ste-Ro(i)d?

2009-02-09T19:51:00.001-05:00

The 'i' is silent.

This won't be a long post (considering I'll be pulling some data in a bit), but it warranted some comment from me.

Unless you're in a cave or don't give a crap about sports, you've heard that Alex Rodriguez tested positive for steroids back in 2003. From my standpoint, I really don't give a crap. Sure, I would've liked all the players to be clean, but that's not the way things are so you might as well accept them. He apologized today, let's get on with Spring Training already.

However, I did want to bring up a post I made in the summer of 2007 regarding Barry Bonds and my lack of caring about his breaking of the home run record (wow, I'm full of apathy this decade). Here is what I wrote:

"Oh, sweet irony!"

Collecting his data, and checking it twice,
Wormburninatingthecountryside

MSU's Latest Football Recruit

2009-01-23T21:08:00.002-05:00

This isn't going to be nearly as biased towards the Spartans as it could be, it's merely an observation.

State picked up a solid offensive tackle today by the name of Henry Conway. I browsed his profile on a couple recruiting websites and apparently they have entirely different reports on him.

Mild mannered and composed. Heck, he's even wearing glasses. Note my doodling...

And now let's see from the other website:

Hmm...maybe he didn't like his first work-up.

Watch out for him and Gardiner,
Wwwwwwwwwwwwwworm.

This Blog Shall Live Forever!

2009-01-21T22:05:00.003-05:00

See, I can't up stuff like this on Facebook because people from work are my "friends".

Essentially, I've grown accustomed to addressing people via e-mail because, well, that's how people at my institution do it. I get roughly 20 new e-mails daily. So when I need data for my project, I e-mail people (after having talking to them in person, mind you). When I don't receive such data on time, I e-mail people. And write them again, if need be. Then when a month and a half passes, I consult other people and finally go back to meeting in person. Basically, I was given advice to be more assertive and talk to people.

So, I try that, but no one else does. I text paged someone asking what their schedule is and get an e-mail later explaining that I should know what THEIR schedule is because they had text paged me two fucking days ago. Oh, right, I forgot! I should keep an archive of my pages and your schedule on the side. I forgot your schedule never fucking changes, which leaves me wondering, why DID you have to cancel our first meeting?

Then, a slightly different scenario occurs. I want to switch what I'll be doing one month (boring) to something else (interesting). Before when I wanted this, I was explicitly told NOT to talk to the people who I would be switching to/from. Now it turns out that with this second switch, I AM supposed to address both parties. Since I didn't do that, now I have to talk to the boring people and explain why I don't want to do their boring work. Great.

5 more months...

- Worm

Some Inauguration Day Humor...

2009-01-20T19:06:00.001-05:00

I don't feel the need to write a note since everyone can read my status from today (and kudos to Michelle, Miranda, and Robin for commenting...maybe I should just blog via statuses?). While perusing my friends' views on the inauguration, I came across an interesting statement which led to a mini-comedic gem (in my opinion). Keep in mind, I'm not posting this to incite some sort of political forum with lots of nasty banter and my friends hating other friends' opinions (which is why I find getting worked up over politics so pointless when largely your average citizen's greatest impact is merely voting). Anyhow, here's what I chuckled at:

I think the ellipses were required for a dramatic pause.

Off to JUPITER,
Wizzerm

P.S. - Yes, she lives in England.

Fallout 3: Dunwich Building

2009-01-18T21:48:00.004-05:00

While roaming The Capital Wasteland, I came across the haunted Dunwich Building. As I walked around the second portion of the Dunwich Building, I heard this weird fast thumping noise. I went to Dunwich Ruins downstairs and discovered what was causing all the racket. A severed head stuck to a table bouncing up and down. And yes, of course I shot it!

Here's a video. The first one has a really geehay commentary. I didn't realize I said something that lame. The second one is better, but you can't hear the thumping as well as you can at the start of the first.

- Worm

How To Fix College Football

2009-01-09T23:59:00.001-05:00

In the wake of yet another controversial season of college football, I felt it necessary to give birth to my long gestating idea of a tournament style post-season. Obviously this isn't anything groundbreaking. There's been talk of playoffs, a plus one, and all the other NCAA football divisions do it. Money is a huge motivating factor to keep the BCS and bowls in place. So, to keep the best of both worlds and end all this stupid talk about who is really number one, I came up with the following bracket. But first, some elaboration:

1) The top 24 teams in the country based on a culmination of the coaches poll, AP poll, and BCS computation decides who enters the tournament (sorry #25, bubble burst!).

2) What conference you come from has no bearing on your seed, aside from the perception of the competition in that league.

3) In addition, the top 8 teams receive a first round bye.

4) The tournament begins in early to mid December with a series of games each weekend. This way teams can't blame the long lay-off for their poor performance, although they may not be completely healthy (think minus Percy Harvin). It'll take about a month to complete, meaning our champion is still named in early January.

5) Each game is still a "bowl" game. With a week between, students can still enjoy the atmosphere of a new city and $400 Best Buy gift cards (how that isn't against NCAA regulations, I don't know). The sponsors keep their name, the universities get their money, and everyone's happy.

6) Do away with all the lame ass bowl games that no one cares about. Magicjack St. Petersburg Bowl? See ya! Papajohns.com Bowl? No more. R+L Carriers New Orleans Bowl? Toasted... Do you realize how many bowl games there are? 34. And how many of those will your average fan watch? Six? Maybe seven?

7) The former "BCS" bowls are now essentially a Final Four...plus a couple others. Put the Cotton and Outback bowls in this same realm or some others with a strong tradition.

8) No more crappy teams. If you are within one game of .500, you do NOT get in (take note NBA playoffs). This year, the list would've included the following: Colorado State, Fresno State, Memphis, Southern Miss, Hawaii, Notre Dame, Florida Atlantic, Wisconsin, Miami (FL), Northern Illinois, North Carolina State, Nevada, Minnesota, Vanderbilt, South Carolina, Clemson, and Kentucky. Any big losses there?

9) Better match-ups. No more 16th-ranked team versus an unranked opponent.

10) The awesomeness of filling out a bracket a few months before March. To be honest, that was the most fun part of putting this all together. Keep in mind, I didn't put a ton of thought into who I was picking or what bowls should be where. This is just a general idea.

There. I hope that settles the debate.

I'd love to get feedback from anyone and everyone. What are the flaws in this set-up? What improvements can be made?

Materials: ESPN.com, BCS ranking from week 15, the NCAA Division II football bracket, MS Paint.

Off to waste some zombies, horde, or mutants,
Wyrmer

Blogging Archive

2009-01-08T23:13:00.000-05:00

Since I have some MySpace only friends, I figured I'd catch you all up to speed on my Facebook notes. I focused on Facebook the last few months since that is the bulk of where my comments come from *hint hint*. Sorry that it isn't quite as smooth, but it was easier to take pictures than reupload things.

chops.

-Wormage.

Poopdick #1

2008-12-21T19:03:00.002-05:00

Considering my real blog is stuck to Facebook, I can keep my lame ass Livejournal-esque posts limited to ICGBT to keep the blog on life support. So, I give you, this guy (and girl):

Yeah yeah, he could have the greatest personality in the world.

However, he has the face of a wooden block. You could teach Sesame Street viewers what a square looks like with his face. He's clearly at least two points (on a scale of 1 to 10) lower than her.

Should I feel bad for ripping on this guy (and his woman for her awful taste in men)? Absolutely not. He gets to go home to her and would never even know about such ill comments. That's why it's okay to make fun of people! If they don't know, it's all fine because at least one party ends up feeling better.

- Worm

All Hail The Douchebag

2008-11-11T23:12:00.003-05:00

Considering I had a dream the other night that if I didn't update this blog it would disappear, here's a short entry. Pictures pending?

Basically, from an early age, I've never been able to figure out girls taste in guys. The jocks in middle/high school I knew I was better looking than and much more polite. Yet, I always lost out. As my friend Theresa put it during my senior year, "Wow Worm, you're cute, how come I didn't realize this before?" That's from a girl who as recently as 2 weeks ago reaffirmed she'd never, ever go on a date with me (how serious could I have been? I asked via text).

So it's personality then? When was I ever lacking in that department?

And how come I never notice girls checking me out? I'm a very observant person and I simply cannot subscribe to the thought that I just don't notice.

This post stems from two girls in particular.

One, I had been long obsessed with. She was my first love. When I realized I wanted a girlfriend, she was it, back in 8th grade. But, she never gave me the time of day. Sure, my personality wasn't great back then and that carried over into today to some degree. I felt a little shy around her and almost forced conversation online when we were kids. She was never truly interested, that's fine. Logging into Facebook tonight, I found out she's engaged after being in Colorado for less than a year. I looked at the pictures and her fiance is a complete fucking tool. Fucking tool. Chest tattoo with some funky blue ink, pierced nipples, and a straight-brimmed hat. Bad teeth, goofy smile, blah blah blah.

Two, -redacted due to readership conflict-

The fuck does it take? Honestly. I do not get it.

I'm fine being alone, I really am. But why do I have to be alone when these fucking douchebags bring home some of the prettiest, classiest girls I've known?

And your response will be "Well, they must not be that great if they didn't choose you."

Well, the women haven't been choosing me since 2000 so...

- Worm.

A Sharp Dressed Man

2008-09-29T00:18:00.000-04:00

While walking in to work the other day, I looked down and realized how well I had coordinated my outfit. Picture this (since I didn't take a picture): dark dress slacks, black Nunn Bush shoes, pink collared shirt, and a black tie with small pink diamonds. So I thought to myself, "Ya know, I look so good today, I really wish someone would comment that I look dapper."

Sure enough, I roll into an early meeting and Liz makes that exact comment. There was no way the day was going to get better than that.

Fast forward to this past weekend in Traverse City. I was watching the State game like an avid fan with the always lovely Brooke. We had a great time chatting up a fellow fan at the bar who, in between giving Brooke marriage and work advice, remarked that I was looking rather dapper. Whether the MSU apparel over my shirt and tie had anything to do with it (or his roughly six beers), the world may never know.

So I'd been thinking about what really made me so darn dapper in the last few days.

Was it the expensive hair cream?

(Audio NSFW): http://dapperdanman.ytmnd.com/

Maybe the new shoes?

My better taste in matching shirts and ties?

I think it all boils down to one thing. Well, really, two things:

It's business time,
Worm.

Reason #45 Why I Keep This Blog Alive

2008-09-16T17:39:00.001-04:00

I didn't mean to rhyme that, honest.

I'm not sure which is funnier to me: the groups she's in or how being a model makes you completely inept at spelling.

Teh end,
Worm.

Is Clete Thomas High?

2008-07-15T00:18:00.001-04:00

I'm a fan of Clete Thomas, I really am.

My only thing is...he has this constant Orlando Bloom-look of wonderment about him.

See? And it's across the board, no matter what he's doing.

It's as if he's amazed he's playing in the bigs each day.

Look, he slides headfirst and doesn't even blink!

Apparently eyelids are a luxury...

...or a defense mechanism.

Anyway, so long as he keeps outhitting my Tiger, that's all I care about.

A little sad he missed Maggs tonight,
Worminator

Shine On You Dial-Up Blogger (Parts IV - VI)

2008-07-13T21:39:00.002-04:00

Part IV: Boo Hoo, America

If you ever thought my ranting (complaining) was a problem (which it kind of is), I will defend myself by saying that at least I try not to whine about completely inane things and even if I do, I try to make it entertaining for everyone else to read. I realize I have a pretty darn good life full of great friends and family, a sweet career awaiting me, and not a lot of trials and tribulations I have to suffer through. Hence, it took me this long to write a post about gas prices. Actually, it regards people complaining about gas prices.

NBC Nightly News had a segment in recent weeks that was essentially an open forum for people to cry about the cost of gas. We're all feeling it and yelling about it does make you feel better. Even so, if you're going to holler, do it in a manner that doesn't make you sound like a typical spoiled American.

Around Memorial Day, people were elaborating on all the sacrifices they had made. Rather than make big travel plans, they had to stay indoors. Eh, that's a legitimate gripe in my book…except when you add that you "feel like a prisoner in my own home." Go ride a bike, find a local event to attend, make a new family tradition.

Someone else grumbled they couldn't go to the movies and were forced to stay inside and watch cable…CABLE! Man, that is a huge concession, let me tell ya. I love seeing those yards full of trash with a trailer on the back lot, complete with a couple satellite dishes. Ah slothfulness, the American dream.

The one that took the cake for me was the family so stricken by gasoline prices, that they could not eat their steaks and drink beer, but had to settle for hamburgers and soda. Oh, get this, the hamburger was bought weeks ago with a coupon and had to be frozen! How barbaric!

Is that what our country has degraded to? A bunch of softies who can't get by without making some compromises once in awhile? No reason to wonder why other countries think Americans are toolbags.

To NBC's credit, they did a little segment on some smart citizens who have been using mass transit for months to save money. Plus, they are also doing a bang-up job on covering Tim Russert's death considering all the junk we had to listen to when Anna Nicole Smith died.

It's just sad when they have to bring in experts to tell you to get a shopping list and cut out coupons to save money on rising food costs.

Driving in the car pool lane,
Worm

Part V: It's Showtime!

Lately, I've felt quite a bit of disdain towards the film industry, despite Iron Man's awesomeness.

**Spoiler Alert**

One, for allowing David Lynch to make Twin Peaks into a movie. I stayed up until 1:30am to finish watching this crapterpiece which not only answered no questions about the series (seriously, what the eff happens to agent Cooper!?), but gave no new information about anything. We already knew what happened to Laura Palmer, why show us every detail that had already been discussed in season one?

Yes, I do realize I'm doing a critique of a movie that came out a decade ago, but I couldn't sit idly by. Lynch ruined countless characters and presented us with one of the worst leading actresses in history. Throwing Laura Palmer's boobs around will not save you from the fact that you turned Bobby into a killer, gave cameos to the most interesting actors, and didn't cast Laura Flynn Boyle or the giant. This easily ranks in the bottom five worst movies I have ever seen.

Two, for allowing George Lucas and Steven Spielberg to make another Indian Jones movie. Okay, they could have made another film, just not Poopdom of the Crystal Skulls. I honestly think they took a page out of Lynch's book.

You cannot transform an ordinary archaeologist/professor into a science fiction war hero. Face melting, I can accept that. Rapid decomposition, I am down. But aliens? Srsly?

Steven Spielberg circa 1998: "Hey Harrison, how do you feel about a new Indy movie? Get this: aliens."

Harrison Ford: "No."

SS circa 2001: "Harrison, how about a new Indy movie? This one has aliens in it."

HF: "No."

SS circa 2006: "So Harrison, new Indy movie? One word: aliens."

HF: "Fine, but make sure I'm dead by the fifth one."

There were some cool elements and it wasn't a total waste. Problems arise when my major impetus for writing this was to make sure I mention giant ants, monkeys, computer-generated prairie dogs, my hatred for Cate Blanchett, an atomic bomb, an exceedingly improbable and long chase scene in the Amazon, and the head of Marcus.

Setting fire to theaters nationwide if Hellboy 2 sucks,
Worm

Part VI: It's Still Not A Rivalry

I.

Hate.

Rajon.

Rondo.

Keep it hitting those homers Sheff,
Worm

Shine On You Dial-Up Blogger (Part III)

2008-07-13T21:37:00.002-04:00

Part III: Meet The Worm Family, Full Of Terrorists And Animal Abusers

Folks, enjoy your freedom while it lasts. The Worm family is out to get you…and your pets.

A couple events in recent days have made me think about just where our world is heading. The first involves Mr. Happy moving back home to our lovely state of Michigan. After various stays in the west, south, and our flat neighbor to the southeast, Ohio, he is all settled in with Katamarci. Unfortunately, he came across a little snag in this process: getting his driver’s license.

Now, I’m not sure if I used that last colon correctly, but I do know that Mr. Happy should not have had to gone through the ordeal that he did in reacquiring a Michigan driver’s license. According to some federal law passed in 2005, it will be mandatory by the year 2011 that when we renew our license, we will have to present various forms of identification, articles to prove our current residence, and our birth certificate. So, to fulfill these requirements, Papa Worm had to overnight the last piece to Mr. Happy to prove that he was indeed born on such and such a date with a smile on his face.

Granted, Mr. Happy probably should have had his BC in his possession by this point (so says Mama Worm). But really, what was the point in all that? For starters, Mr. Happy never ran into such trouble in Texas or Ohio. On top of that, he had a license in Michigan for many years beforehand. Our state already has a record on him! I’m pretty sure if he had wanted to drive the Purple Beast Machine into Governor Granholm’s office, he would’ve done it much sooner.

Well, at least now he has motivation to do so.

Meanwhile, Mama Worm and myself ran into an equally infuriating situation. Since October, when our awesome Rottweiler Sophie passed, we’ve been looking for just the right dog to fill that void in our family. I had looked on petfinder.com quite a bit, but many dogs were just too old, had odd adoption restrictions, or weren’t purebred (alright, we are a bit shallow). Finally, I found a 2 year-old female Rott in need of a home at my local humane society.

Last Friday I went to see this pup. She was a little under the weather (kennel cough), but seemed like a very sweet dog. The two handlers were both kind to me as well. Even though everyone in my family had a busy schedule the next day and would not be able to see the dog again until Tuesday (the first day after Saturday they would be open), I felt very good about the whole situation. That all changed when I talked to the front desk lady about the adoption process.

My parents were very interested, but under no circumstances would the humane society hold the dog for us until Tuesday. I offered to pay the fee ahead of time (even though this meant not receiving a fifty dollar discount for a special rate on Saturday), but they would not accept until I had been interviewed. I told all of this to Papa Worm who was not pleased, but I stuck up for the organization. To me, it made sense on some level. You can’t just give a dog away without a bit more research.

Today, Mama Worm and I returned, all excited to see the dog that might become part-worm. The good worm, not, heartworm or hookworm. Right from the get go, things were not good. We mentioned wanting to see the Rott to a woman I had not met before. Rather than greeting us with a smile, she gave off this very paranoid and protective aura. Hmm, that might be good for a WoW paladin, but not for someone who is trying to find homes for needy animals.

Undeterred, we followed the big meanie to an interview room. For the next five minutes, this woman grilled us while she went down a checklist full of basics regarding a dog (shots spay/neuter, etc.). The whole time, she refused to make eye contact and had never even looked at our application that I had turned in four days ago. After quickly browsing the app, I was informed that I had answered incorrectly on a particular question:

“If someone finds your dog, would you permit them to contact you?”

_ Yes, included on the tag would be my name/address for someone to reach me.

_ No, I would prefer they use some fancy microchip program that probably no one in rural Michigan would think of. Farmer: “Oh, here’s a stray dog, let me take him all the way into the vet to get his body scanned so then I can find out who owns him.” This answer is absurd. Don’t check it.

I am an awful pet owner.

When I mentioned that I had met the dog before, the lady flipped since this too was a big no-no without getting background information. Obviously, I’m the intimidating type of person to try to make off with a sick dog through a complex full of workers. Anyhow, I gave the ill tone back to woman (just a little) and started asking her about the dog. Of course, I knew more about the pooch than this b…road and could only keep staving off her attacks. I guess Mama Worm’s picture book of the late great Sophie wasn’t enough to prevent an interrogation.

Eventually, we were able to get some alone time with the big black dog. She seemed pretty nice, had some Sophie mannerisms, and a much bigger head. We strolled around a pond, discussing our possible future with the dog and reminiscing about our old Rottweiler.

After bringing her back to the kennel after roughly ten minutes, we spoke with the employee about obedience classes, fees, spay surgery, and other necessary elements to adopting a dog. While we were out, someone else had glanced over the adoption form and noticed a few more alarming details. Since I had circled guard dog (in addition to companion, mind you), they did not want to release the dog to us. Mama Worm went on a mini-rant about where we live, how it’s nice to have a dog when Papa Worm is gone, and so on. Having a guard dog is entirely different from training a dog to bite strangers. If you assume “guard dog” to be a blanket term akin to hicks using pit bulls to guard their distilleries, straight up ask that on the application or during the interview, don’t assume we want to train a killer.

But that was not all! I added on the app that we would keep our next dog as an indoor/outdoor dog, indoor at night usually (definitely during the winter) and outdoor during the day.

“We won’t let people take dogs if they won’t be indoors.”

Um, so the couple acres we live on would be ill suited for a dog, but a laundry room or basement wouldn’t? Having a yard is a bad thing? It was then that I mentioned we were planning on getting an electric collar fence put in (which for a long time we thought was cruel, but considering the success many of our friends and neighbors have had, we have since changed our minds).

“Well, you’ll still need to get a full fence for your yard because this dog was brought here because she runs away.”

Ah-ha! The story finally comes out. Not only would the shock collar be enough in my estimation, but you can’t spring a major detail like that on someone at the last possible second. Then again, that wasn’t the last possible second since we still had time to argue about obedience classes.

The Worm clan is all about taking their newly adopted dog to obedience classes…just not once a week for six weeks in a place that is over an hour away when we have a local shelter (which is way more modern, I might add) with the same services.

“We trust our classes here.”

I’m sure you do, but how does wanting to take obedience classes close to home make us animal abusers? Look, I understand there are jerks out there who take pleasure in hurting animals or are simply too dang stupid to properly take care of them. But how in the world after all the effort we put forth would someone still be concerned we would be poor owners? I won’t even get into the details of how much we’ve loved our pets and the lengths we’ve gone to in taking care of them, even at the end of their lives.

I guess this little story illustrates why people adopted 74 cats on Saturday at this shelter…to only 4 dogs (they obviously don’t give a crap who takes home a cat). So now, rather than feel like we’ve been discriminated against again, we’re going to be like Rachael and drop some hard cash for some puppy love. Considering the cost of the adoption ($125), obedience classes ($65), and to attend said classes (~$120 - $150, depending on gas prices), we might as well go straight to breeder to get a dog we know is ripe for impending abuse without the hassle of animal rights activists!

Phew. That was long! I’m sorry.

Looking for a Rottweiler breeder, near or far,
Worm

Shine On You Dial-Up Blogger (Parts I & II)

2008-07-13T21:29:00.001-04:00

I've been listening to Pink Floyd lately, big deal.

I thought I owed you all with too much time on your hands some reading material.

Part I: He Ain't Healthy, He's My Tiger

Back in the '05 campaign, I believe, the Detroit Tigers started a little promotion known as "Who's Your Tiger?" The original purpose of the program was to have fans attach to a particular Tiger and root them on because, well, we sucked. Lo and behold we have one amazing season, now everyone has a Tiger. KJ and Mama Worm go for Granderson, Rachael and Kristin constantly vie for Pudge's affection, and Mr. Happy fell in love with 'Pac Man' Polanco* ever since his epic slide (in this instance, 'slide' should be translated as 'monstrous belly flop two feet short') into second base during one of his first games with us.

Initially, I had a difficult time deciding who my Tiger should be. Inge seemed too obvious, plus he had a ton of backers as it was. I could've broken the mold and gone with a pitcher, but I already take enough crap for rooting on Jonesy each time he takes the hill every few games. Then, it seemed so obvious: My Tiger has always been Craig Monroe.

Back in the day, I used to post on a message board called Motown Sports. While our team still sucked, many users provided possible solutions to our problems. By the way, if you ever want to read some of the most absurd sports talk ever, almost any forum will do. It's funny how baseball is one of those games where everyone thinks they could have done things better based on their experience in Little League and as the kid who kept book in high school. Alas, I digress.

On this sports board, I stuck up for C-Mo. Granted, his production wasn't that of left fielders like Matsui or Ibanez, but we got him off waivers from Texas and whom the hell else were we going to get at that point? I even got into a fairly heated discussion with Captain Chuck over this topic, defending Craiger to the bitter end. Thankfully, my dedication paid off and he had a solid 2006 season. Were it not for Rod and Mario reminiscing during the most recent Twins series, I would've forgotten that C-Mo was our leading home run hitter in the playoffs that year.

Unfortunately, we all know how this story ended in 2007 when we traded away our struggling left fielder for Clay Rapada. I was sad to see him go, but I knew it was time. I still root for the man, even if he did steal a belt back in the day. I can totally justify his actions if it was for a 30 inch waist, those belts are rare!

Naturally, my next Tiger had to have been Cameron Maybin. Not only did Maybin take over Monroe's position in the outfield, he also kept the same initials. Perfect! But before C-May could catch on, he was shipped off to Florida with Andrew Miller and litrelly half the farm.

It was then that I realized something...for me to name a Tiger must be an insta-curse for finding that player's way off the Detroit roster. What's that? Two instances aren't enough for a streak?

Here's more proof: I quietly told friends and family that my Tiger this year would be Dontrelle Willis. What happens in just his second start of the year? Puts himself on the DL with a hyperextended knee.

To back this even further, I merely joked with Papa Worm last week that I should tell the world Sheffield is my Tiger. That way, he'll get hurt or keep sucking to the point that he'll be replaced. After finally heating up, where is Iron Sheff now? Mmm, I'll take that .200 average with a side of seared oblique to the disabled list.

Not even Sheldon from The Big Bang Theory can deny this hypothesis.**

As such, for the remainder of the year I shall proudly proclaim that Sheffield is indeed my Tiger. Any stats that occur in his absence will be directly attributed to him and my gift (my curse). By batting third last night, Themmy donated his two home runs and 5 RBIs to Sheff. It's as simple as that.

Waiting for Hessman's call-up,
Worm.

*This is a nickname*** I really think should catch on. Maybe that douche for the Cowboys is stealing the thunder, but no football player can emulate an arcade character better than Placido. For starters, there's the abnormally round head. Then, he grits his teeth every time he's in the batter's box. And lastly, he gobbles up the bases.

** Yes, that was such an obscure reference that I had to spell it out.

***Oh, and Chris Berman, if you're reading this, for the love of all that is holy stop coming up with stupid ass nicknames for players when you guest on Baseball Tonight. I'm STILL trying to get over your home run call for Clint 'Who Let The Cows Out Of The' Barmes from 2006. Go yell at a teleprompter you fat turdhole.

Part II: Advertise This

"Do Not Attempt."

Doesn't it seem absurd that advertisers add those three white words to the bottom of so many commercials? As if anyone would honestly try to see if their pickup truck hauling a ton of bricks could stop on a dime before plunging into the Grand Canyon. Even so, there are a few ads in circulation right now that I think could use this label (or at least a bigger one) which is absent from much more plausible scenarios.

The first of which comes courtesy of Burger King and their Indiana Jones contest. If you haven't seen the ad, it involves a construction worker on a roof. While attempting to scratch off a game piece with a quarter, he loses the coin down the trash tube attached to the side of the building. Feeling a bit of Indy in him, the worker jumps down the chute, falling several stories into a dumpster. Upon landing, he finds the quarter, scratches the game piece, and has a load of concrete pieces dumped onto his hard hat. Pssh, some winner he is. At no point did I see a warning where I shouldn't go do that stunt myself. Well, the garbage chute does look like something from a water park. And I don't know about you, but I like Indiana Jones AND water parks. Very enticing.

That leads me into another commercial that needs a DNA sticker. Some car commercial, I think Nissan, has people setting up a gigantic waterslide down a city hill in what looks like San Francisco. Of course, traffic is stopped for this spectacle and everyone's happy while they glide to the bottom. Here's the thing, what happens at the bottom of the slide!? If one of my readers would like to MS Paint what someone would look like after taking a water slide that ends in pavement, I'll buy the best entry a beer or other beverage of your choice. It's about time I gave you some incentives to keep coming back.

Lastly, there's something about those Edge shave gel commercials, other than the fact that the lead flying green lady looks like Rachel (the other one) to me. That should have a label of 'Do not attempt to sneeze out.' I say, if you have smokin' hot chicks spraying moisturizers on your face, why would ever shave them off? Sure, they aren't that big, but power in numbers. Plus, since they are so tiny, you probably can't hear them talk all the time. Am I right guys? Yeahhhhh, chauvinistic humor makes a comeback!

Eagerly anticipating sporting the mutton chops in a city near you,
Worm.

My Taste In Women Is Not A Threat To Your Livelihood

2008-07-13T21:25:00.004-04:00

Spurred on by a couple comments on my last note and a few remarks in the last week or so, I decided to go on a bona fide, unadulterated rant.

I'll lead you off with those remarks and we'll take it from there.

------------
Rachael:
"not pretty enough."?

shallow.

Sal:
And somehow I'm not in the least surprised that a phrase like "not pretty enough" would be something that came out of your mouth.

Rachael:
I didn't want to throw this out there, to make Worm look like a bad guy... But I also believe he said they weren't "skinny enough". Does that make the case for shallow yet?
------------

It shall be written (by me) that I...am not shallow. In composing this note, I am going to provide you with a bit of insight into my world and hopefully some evidence to prove that fact.

To begin with, if I truly were so shallow, why wouldn't I (considering my personality) own up to it? What could I possibly gain by going to such great lengths to defend myself to a bunch of my friends? Topics that usually generate a post from me typically come from something that I find to be grossly out of line (i.e. bandwagon Tigers fans ripping on the team early in the year). This is one such topic.

For two, simply because I express interest or disinterest in a girl's looks doesn't warrant the dreaded shallow label. It's merely a preference. You ladies do it too. Thanks to my new best friend Danielle, here's some proof:

------------
Back when I was shallow (okay more shallow than I am now) I used to say I would never date a guy who would wear tennis shoes to the bar. When I would hang out at the bar and I would be checking them out, I would first make sure they weren't wearing tennis shoes.
------------

You size up guys based on their height, their facial hair, etc. You don't think girls out there have been turned off by my physical features? I guarantee you there are ladies out there who wouldn't jump my bones for fear of breaking me in half (hey, I have to infuse a little humor). The only difference is girls are less upfront about it and have some strange allegiance to their own gender.

That's one thing I've never understood. If I'm upset with some girl for whatever reason, it seems that girls are much more likely to defend her than a guy would. On the flip side, if a girl is complaining about a guy, I concur that he's a tool and leave it at that. I realize there's a good chunk of d'bags out there who do all men a disservice. That being said, if you're a friend of mine, at least give me a little more credit than a complete stranger since you actually know me and take my side.

Continuing on, I'll go with a little interlude and explain my side of the backstory regarding my "shallow" comments.

The girls that Rachael introduced me to at the bar I did not think were attractive. I didn't make an effort with them simply for that and spent the remainder of our short stay looking for other girls to talk to. When Rachael confronted me, I had had enough built up frustration from our previous discussions over me not being social enough that I let loose and said what I thought. I don't recall saying that they weren't skinny enough, but even if I did, here is my defense to that.

In all honesty, I do prefer girls who are in shape or at an average weight (and I don't mean Michigan average) based on my experiences. It's tough to understand (and even tougher to explain) unless you're a scrawny guy like me. There's still that inherent wanting to watch over or protect a girl, but how big and bad can you feel if your arms are smaller than hers? How sweet would it be for me to tell my (imaginary) future wife to walk across the threshold since I can't carry her? Yeah, I went there. I don't care how absurd that sounds because the thought has crossed my mind. I guess if I ever get engaged, I should give the girl a ring and myself a gym membership for weight lifting.

Getting back to those girls being 'not pretty enough,' there's a few more things to take into consideration from a guy's perspective. Talking to a girl is way more complex than females realize. There's this whole workup, the turning of the gears in your head, the anticipation, what choice words you will use that will give you the greatest chance of starting a conversation. Aside from all that, there's the biggie of rejection.

For me, it's way easier to handle rejection from a girl who is pretty. Why? Because then you can write her off as being stuck up, that she thinks she's hotter than she actually is. Getting rejected by a girl who is borderline attractive? That crushes a guy's self-esteem. And in a setting like the club, why shouldn't I go for someone who looks good considering the night will probably consist of a couple drinks, some bad dancing, and that's all. Yes, I know I'm sounding negative, but also realistic.

In a more serious setting, I used to have a huge crush on a girl whom I had almost no physical attraction to. We had a ton in common and I really liked hanging out with her. In the end, she wasn't attracted to me and the best thing I can use that experience for now is proof that I'm not shallow. I might as well go for girls that I do think are legitimately pretty. Who is to say that a "hot" girl is less likely to like the Tigers than one that isn't good looking?

Look, I don't want every girl to be Giada De Laurentiis (that in its own right should say something if she's my celebrity crush). If anything, I think I'm more apt than most guys to appreciate a girl's features, regardless of what they are. Do you ever hear me saying things like "She's not blond, she's out" or "Oh, she's not tall enough"?

As for the ladies who have complained about me being shallow, keep in mind that has never directly involved you. Physical attraction has never been an issue with any of you; there have always been extenuating circumstances.

To finish it out, I believe that I am a slightly above average looking guy. I really don't think that I should have to settle in the physical realm. Yeah, that's me being cocky. That'll get the ladies since they clearly don't care about looks. Anyhow, if I'm wrong in my self-assessment and I should start lowering my aim, tell me and I'll accept that.

But, after Rachael and I argued that night, I went off and met a girl on my own who was prettier than what I was introduced to at the bar.

I'll swim where I want to,
Worm.

Worth Remembering

2008-07-07T22:00:00.003-04:00

While at JCPenny, there was a worker that caught my eye. I thought I caught hers since she smiled at me while her coworker was ringing up my friend.

So, I approached her at the help desk. Mind you, "approached" took 10 minutes due to the line and string of stupid middle-aged women. As the line disappated, I noticed the overhead music.

Song?

"There Is" by Box Car Racer.

Basically, a lame ass love song. I thought to myself "Now, if things work out with this girl, I could finally have an 'our' song."

Of course, as soon as I got to the counter, the song was over and Depeche Mode came on.

Enjoy The Silence indeed.

My Clothing Is A Threat To Your Livelihood

2008-05-04T01:53:00.001-04:00

As some of you know, 2008 has been an interesting year for me socially. I've gone out more this year than any other years (cumulatively) in my life. Basically, I've been engaging in a phase that most people start when they enter college. Considering these were my last few months as a student, I wanted to experience what I had largely held back on doing in the past.

Overall, it's been a fairly positive experience. I realized that I tolerate drunks much better now and how awful of a dancer I am. I do regret some things, such as not finishing bar slap bets with Jeff and that I sung loudly to Joan Jett.

I have zero excuses.

But, now is not the time to reminisce about getting hammered with professors. Instead, I've been burning on something for awhile now. That something is how I've been discriminated against.

A friend of mine insisted I go out on a Wednesday night about a month ago. Not really caring too much about my attire, I threw on my trusty hat and took off. At the entrance, I was stopped by the door man.

Funny thing is that that stick figure is a pretty good representation of my physical build.

Not only was that gentleman at the bar wearing the same style hat as me, at the upstairs bar I saw another guy with a baseball cap. Then a girl came in wearing a hat with a brim on it. What gives?

Of course, this isolated incident was enough to get me riled up. If only I knew I would run into a similar experience a month later...

I went with the guys to another bar. At the door, I prepared my ID for the bouncer on the left. All of a sudden, the security guy on my right butts in and tells me that I can't get in wearing my black and yellow Nike Shox.

"Those shoes represent street warfare."

Nowhere did I see shoe attire posted, nor did I ask for an explanation. Frustrated and dejected, I left.

A couple weeks after this, I returned to the same strip of bars with some friends. I would later be summoned to the same club, except this time I was sporting these:

Yes, I realize those are listed under tennis, but I figured they looked a bit classier. Besides, would YOU deny Pete Sampras because he forgot to change his shoes?

Unfortunately, the same scenario unfolded with the same bouncer. Worst part is, that d'bag decided to let a guy ahead of me in wearing flip-flops (yes, flip-flops). I called the bouncer out on it too, but still didn't get a reason.

"So uh, you mean there's broads in there? And I can get dressed like this?"

"Well sure, Carl. I mean, you might get all stepped on. Or, ya know, you could cut on a broken glass. And maybe your foot will get peed on in the bathroom. But your shoes...are stylin'."

"Friggin' awesome."

In talking with some close contacts, any sort of athletic shoes are banned due to the fact that they don't want to attract the wrong crowd from the 'hood. Or something stupid like that.

Seriously, take one look at me, other than my shoes...what part of me would look like I'm going to cause trouble with my entourage? It's like when they frisk the elderly at airports. Yeah, I'm sure grandpa put "Explode self on a plane" right at the top of his bucket list.

"Starring Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson."

Still thinking he should plant some footwear up a bouncer's ass,
Wormburner.

P.S. For a similarly stupid story, check this:

http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendID=32418467&blogID=389352931

P.P.S. Dear nik...who are you? And thanks for reading.

Just A Little Spamulation

2008-05-01T23:54:00.002-04:00

A couple weeks ago, an interesting e-mail found its way into my Gmail inbox. The subject line from a one Stephen Simon (b940_disproportional@yahoo.com): "I know what girls do on a farm. DO NOT leave them there abandoned!"

Intrigued, I read on. Honestly, what's the worst that could happen? Apparently this:

"Do not leave your wifey on a farm alone. She might substitute you with beasts and you will be way out of the competition for the rest of your affiliation. I discovered it the hard way. Here are the details: http://---"

Stephen, you poor bastard. Not only do you refer to your marriage as an affiliation (like she's a minor league team), you got out worked by a farm animal? Can you imagine that? No, not the act, but how that all would go down. Hey, that's not a euphemism either!

Couple goes to farm. Man leaves woman on farm. Woman finds barnyard creature. Man distraught. Woman pleased.

How does that scenario entice anyone to visit that website?

"Hey hey hey! I've been there. It ain't so bad...just wait till you see what she does with that chicken! Yeah! Awesome!"

I guess one such e-mail was not enough. Here was the follow-up from Madge Grace: "I know what women do on a farm. DO NOT leave them there lonely!"

Obviously everyone who seeks companionship finds the nearest petting zoo.

"Never leave your woman on a farm lonely. She may replace you with animals and you will be way out of the competition for the rest of your life. I discovered it the hard way. Here are the details: http://----"

Well, I give the authors credit for their mastery of the English language.

Bless the beasts,
Wormstrum.

Dear Tigers "Fans"

2008-04-09T23:39:00.000-04:00

Congratulations! Your favorite baseball team pulled one out in Boston. Tell me...how much does that victory mean to you? Did you give your roommate a high five? Did you decide to buy those tickets in late April?

It's funny because the last time I checked, the Tigers are still dead last in the division. Sure, they have a winning percentage, but it's .125. Why can't we gut the roster while we still can and restart the season before we go 1-161?

Sound irrational? Look back at some of the things that have been said in the last few days. Everyone's been panicking. When are they going to win? Why can't they hit the damn ball? When's Granderson due back?

Those aren't even the worst comments. It's been the incessant bitching after every loss ever since the home series against the Royals. We were within a couple innings of our first victory on opening day...would you still have complained if we were 1-6 going into tonight? Probably, and even so, one victory never makes an entire season, so why should tonight's W be any different?

Here's the deal...has the start of the season been frustrating? Of course. No one likes to see their team lose. However, I'll take a bad streak like this to start the year as opposed to at the end of it. Every team goes through slumps. But do you honestly think that a lineup full of career .300 hitters, future Hall of Famers, and perennial All-Stars is going to collective hit .200 the whole year? Nope, and you know as well as I do our pitching staff will come around (except for Grilli).

Is there a good excuse for our struggles to start the year? No, there isn't. Every aspect of the game has been suspect. But what doesn't help is all the fans who have been piling on. During the last game against the White Sox, nearly every play that wasn't an obvious positive was getting booed. When did we turn into Philadelphia? What gives these bandwagon fans the gall to think they can rip on the players, expectations or not?

The opening week, except in rare instances, is a poor litmus for the rest of the year. Did you see who has the best record in the American League? Baltimore. Think they'll stave off the rest of the AL East through October? Not a chance.

So I'll keep preaching what I've been saying since day one, even if it is incredibly cliché. It's a long season. These boys will live up to their potential and have a great year.* If they don't...well, you can slap me.

Yes, I'm that confident. Print off this note, sign it, produce your argument as to why you felt this season was not all it should have been, and get your free slap.

Until then, genuinely root for the Tigs if you're calling yourself a fan. Most of you newer fans have no reason to piss and moan over a losing streak when you've never suffered through a losing season. So don't complain like April's record will be the end of the world.

Sincerely,
Michael The Wyrm

P.S. - Note the ambiguity of the term "great year". You better bring your A game if you're going to debate me for a slap.

P.P.S. - Excerpt from Granderson's blog:

"As for our 0-7 start, I know it’s tough from the outside looking at it, and it is starting to look ugly. We as a team know we are a lot better than we are playing right now, and we feel we will begin to play to our capability sooner rather than later. The good thing is this is going to test us as a team and see how we can handle adversity. All teams this year are going to go through a slump, and we unfortunately are going through one now at the beginning of the season.

I know the city of Detroit and the fans are getting upset with us, and rightfully so, but I ask you to continue to believe and keep following us, and we will get this thing turned back around soon."

Name This Cookie

2008-03-24T23:46:00.001-04:00

Tonight, a great debate erupted tonight between Rachael, Coon, and myself. For Easter I received two boxes of Girl Scout Cookies from Mama Worm. They looked something like this:

I blacked out the name as that is what caused this debate.

Rachael (who is a blatant heathen, I might add) claims they are Caramel deLites or some other blasphemous term.

Coon and I countered with Samoas.

Rachael says that's ethnically incorrect, but she also thinks gay isn't a synonym for stupid (running joke, don't be offended activists).

So, which is it...

Caramel deLites or Samoas?

I'll take Hawaii,
Worm.

Fun At Seminar Is Spelled B-I-N-G-O

2008-03-14T01:48:00.001-04:00

If you’re not in pharmacy, you probably won’t enjoy the following post.
----------
While struggling to make it through another round of seminar last Friday, Fink, Ernie, and myself came up with a great idea to stay entertained. We created a new game known as ’Seminar Bingo’.

Inspired by an IBM ad (see below), we came up with our own criteria while listening to the afternoon presenters.

That’s the general idea. Please bear in mind that this game was not made to tear down presenters. Rather, we thought it would be a way to liven up a long day. So don’t be mad if you’re guilty of a couple squares...Lord knows I was.

Here is what we came up with (although each card would have random squares and it’d be licensed by Milton Bradley):

Now, for some further explanation.

: The definition of... -- Probably the most cliché thing to say in any speech. The only way to make it worse would include "Websters defines...".

: Failure of an electronic device -- This happened to Kristin and Fink. Obviously worthy.

: Any sign of pre-presentation nausea -- Self-explanatory.

: "What is the clinical significance?" -- As asked by faculty.

: Stumbling over the words "statistically significant" -- That’s almost alliteration.

: Any form of presenter laughter -- Giggling is included.

: "Unknown mechanism of action" -- This does not exclude pathophysiology.

: Snoring -- Provided by any audience member.

: Image of drug’s chemical structure -- Not really necessary in many instances.

: Use of the word regime -- Typically a huge culprit during lecture. Read Ernie’s old notes for more on this topic.

: "That’s what she said"-worthy comment -- As approved by Michael Scott. Yesh.

: Three consecutive coughs -- A cacophony of coughing from individuals in the audience.

: Western Michigan sucks -- Also known as ’Free Space’. This refers to the college, not the region.

: Answering everything but the question asked -- That side effect really doesn’t help explain the confidence interval.

: "Like all drugs, ______ has side effects" -- Another common cliché.

: Post-presentation fishing for reassurance from colleagues -- Trust me, you did a good job.

: ’Deer in the headlights’ look -- Usually shows up at the beginning of the presentation or as a question is being asked by a faculty member.

: Mention of graduating high school during introduction -- Includes such classy institutions as Whitehall University.

: Case scenario -- Jimmy was unable to play basketball until the age of 16 when horse chestnuts cured his scoliosis.

: Use of laser pointer more than 4 times -- Not just fun for cats.

: "Do do" -- The coup de grace. For instance, "Yes, the triptans do do that." Hehe.

: Needing water at any point during presentation -- Another self-explanatory square.

: Pause longer than 10 seconds -- Might be a stretch, but it’s also very involved (keep your stop watches handy!).

: "I’m not sure, but I think…" -- Study articles will make everyone an expert on the topic.

: Americans are obese -- Scholars maintain that this is a well-known fact.

Alternative squares include the following -

: Slow clap -- Sometimes it’s necessary.

: Excessive/awkward inflection -- Think puberty voice.

: Overgesticulation -- Actions don’t always speak louder than words.

: Random, completely unrelated pictures -- We’re all glad you visited Alaska.

: Sorting through notes after a question with no intention of answering -- Tis a good ploy.

: Yooper or Canadian phrase or accent -- Ya, aboot is almost unavoidable, eh?

----------
Each student must provide their own game pieces, such as coins, paper clips, Sweetarts, etc.
----------

There it is. The Tripod hopes you enjoyed.

Taking pride in his unprofessionalism,
Wormer.

This Blog Never Gets Old

2008-03-13T23:05:00.006-04:00

I originally created this blog (with Spike, of course) to vent about roommates. See, I find it much more civil to bitch online than to complain constantly around the apartment about a particular party.

Every year of college, I have had either a new suitemate or a new roommate. And it seems that almost every year, I have a new reason to complain. From Kyle's well-documented refusal to clean his dishes or replacing the ketchup bottle in its place, to Color's girlfriend's incessant moaning or his silverware hijacking.

This semester has brought a new challenge: a girl.

There's this grand misconception out there (at least I believed it) that girls are cleaner than guys. They are not. It's really a person to person basis, not a gender to gender basis.

Anyhow, Coon and I have received various passive aggressive notes about how we needed to clean up our dishes, while our female roommate is just as guilty. I could go more into that, but I'd rather burn on what went down tonight. I discussed all of what happened with a friend earlier on MSN, so here's the story:

Worm says (11:08 PM):
i hate christine.

·# ·$20,20 ·$20,20·$·$29 ·∙•·$47Lena·$29•∙· ·$20,20 ·$20,20·$ ·$38 ·$47 ·$38 ·$20 says (11:08 PM):
why? because of the dishes ?

Worm says (11:08 PM):
because she is a stupid bitch. ha. sorry, but...she fits the term

·# ·$20,20 ·$20,20·$·$29 ·∙•·$47Lena·$29•∙· ·$20,20 ·$20,20·$ ·$38 ·$47 ·$38 ·$20 says (11:09 PM):
dont say that

Worm says (11:09 PM):
no, i have to, it must be said

·# ·$20,20 ·$20,20·$·$29 ·∙•·$47Lena·$29•∙· ·$20,20 ·$20,20·$ ·$38 ·$47 ·$38 ·$20 says (11:09 PM):
=/

Worm says (11:09 PM):
how often have you heard me use that word, let alone about a specific person? know how you want to slap that guy? didn't you call him an ass?

·# ·$20,20 ·$20,20·$·$29 ·∙•·$47Lena·$29•∙· ·$20,20 ·$20,20·$ ·$38 ·$47 ·$38 ·$20 says (11:10 PM):
well yes but i dont like when they say that to women

Worm says (11:10 PM):
i didn't say it TO her, i said it ABOUT her

·# ·$20,20 ·$20,20·$·$29 ·∙•·$47Lena·$29•∙· ·$20,20 ·$20,20·$ ·$38 ·$47 ·$38 ·$20 says (11:10 PM):
ok

Worm says (11:10 PM):
and it's no different than when a guy is called a dick or a prick, i don't use it as a way to tear down women. christine...just is one. here's the latest:

Worm says (11:11 PM):
coon and i got a jar of pickles from kyle and jeff roughly two months ago, we keep it in the fridge behind the water jugs. to get the pickles out, since it is a HUGE jar. we use the only set of tongs we could find. it's a pair of wooden ones that we've never seen anyone use (keep that in mind). today, coon and i cleaned out the whole fridge. christine had a mass amount of food that was rotting in the refrigerator. would you like to see photographic proof? it's pretty gross, ha

·# ·$20,20 ·$20,20·$·$29 ·∙•·$47Lena·$29•∙· ·$20,20 ·$20,20·$ ·$38 ·$47 ·$38 ·$20 says (11:12 PM):
no thanks

Worm says (11:13 PM):
we filled up 1/3 of the sink with her leftover food that has been sitting in there for weeks...with mold on it. we unloaded the dishwasher, reloaded it, and cleaned the fridge, as mentioned

·# ·$20,20 ·$20,20·$·$29 ·∙•·$47Lena·$29•∙· ·$20,20 ·$20,20·$ ·$38 ·$47 ·$38 ·$20 says (11:13 PM):
but if you hate her so much, why dont you kick her out?

Worm says (11:13 PM):
we can't. she dates ryan, she's on the lease. kicking roommates out is almost impossible

·# ·$20,20 ·$20,20·$·$29 ·∙•·$47Lena·$29•∙· ·$20,20 ·$20,20·$ ·$38 ·$47 ·$38 ·$20 says (11:14 PM):
then make him clean

Worm says (11:14 PM):
it's not his fault she's stupid. he never gets yelled at and he's just like us. he was arguing with her tonight about what she was complaining about (which i'm getting to). she was mad that i left crumbs on the counter yesterday morning when i quickly made a sandwich and ran out the door for class. last night they had chinese, didn't wipe the counter down afterward, and left cookies and a glass of water in the same spot my crumbs had been. did jeff and i complain about that? of course not. it's not that big of a deal to us, plus, we know everyone in the apartment does stuff like that (christine included, like the bowl and glass she left in the other living room since last weekend)

Worm says (11:15 PM):
so back to the pickles. we cleaned out the fridge which apparently allowed her to see behind the water jugs. she saw the bagel tongs and flipped out here's the conversation:

dumb c: "why is my bagel tong on the pickle jar?"

coon: "what?"

dumb c: "why is my bagel tong on the pickle jar?" "that gross?" "thats really gross I think I'm going to be sick"

coon: "Dishwasher...Problem solved...You're welcome"

·# ·$20,20 ·$20,20·$·$29 ·∙•·$47Lena·$29•∙· ·$20,20 ·$20,20·$ ·$38 ·$47 ·$38 ·$20 says (11:17 PM):
hahahaha

Worm says (11:17 PM):
so, i finish practicing, i open up my door. ryan's all cool, asking me how it's going. i talk to him about work. as soon as we stop talking, christine tears into me about the bagel tongs. i tell her we've been using them for about 2 months. she again reiterates how it's so gross

so, i ask 'what is a bagel tong for?'

"to grab the bagels out of the toaster so you don't burn yourself!"

"ooooooooooooooooooooooh" i say, all sarcastic like "sorry"

"well they are pampered chef, i paid 25 dollars for those!"

(they are essentially big chop sticks)

me: "oh, well, you can have some pickles if you like. they are delicious"

·# ·$20,20 ·$20,20·$·$29 ·∙•·$47Lena·$29•∙· ·$20,20 ·$20,20·$ ·$38 ·$47 ·$38 ·$20 says (11:19 PM):
hahahahahah!!!

Worm says (11:19 PM):
seriously...why in the world would you spend that kind of money on bagel tongs?

·# ·$20,20 ·$20,20·$·$29 ·∙•·$47Lena·$29•∙· ·$20,20 ·$20,20·$ ·$38 ·$47 ·$38 ·$20 says (11:19 PM):
true.

Worm says (11:19 PM):
here's the thing. christine hasn't eaten bagels ever since i've lived her. if she had, she would've noticed her precious tongs were missing by now
-----------

How did people survive without bagel tongs?

There you have it folks. I really don't think I need to give any more commentary than that.

If I Wasn't Such A Weenie, I'd Be A Millionaire

2008-03-10T18:55:00.001-04:00

I've never been all that creative of a person, even as a kid. I had a great imagination, that much is certain. How else could Mr. Happy and I transform small logs into stormtrooper rifles? Or latch onto tree roots as we were sliding downhill like Indiana Jones? Hey, so what if all our imagination comes from George Lucas?

Anyway, harnessing my brain power into a sensory format that is enjoyable by others was always a little tough. Learning bass hasn't been the easiest thing for me and my greatest work of art is a colored-pencil rendition of a scene from 'The Secret Garden'.

"You know how I know you're gay? Because you have a collection of colored pencils."

In fifth grade, a year removed from my legendary Young Authors series known as ‘Cat Trek’, I created a new epic known as Weenie Warriors.

“Who you calling weenie, f*****?”

No, see, I just drew an elongated oval, put some arms and legs on it, gave it a sword and a shield, and bam!

Simple, yet elegant.

That…is a Weenie Warrior. It’s not my fault the girl sitting next to me mistook it as a…ya know.

"Like, like a man-dick?"

Yes. Like a man-dick.

But they were all very distinct battle-ready hot dogs! My friends and I literally made over a hundred Weenie Warriors, complete with condiment bottles to ride, buns as body armor, and a vicious back-story of slavery. To this day, I contend that it would have been an awesome action figure line and possible cartoon.

“You know how I know you’re gay? Because you drew pictures of penis soldiers.”

Okay, look, if that were sooooooooo gay, then how come some author stole my idea and now has a book series about weenies?

Would those not look more badass if they had chain mail and a mace? Well, maybe someday I can pitch that idea to an old preceptor of mine. Then, they can do battle with Veggie Tales, Killer Tomatoes, and other inferior food groups.

I Choose,
Worm

*This blog post was not brought to you by Rachael. Because she hates gays. I mean, she hates people using the word gay when it doesn't describe gays. I guess what I'm trying to say is...vote for Obama.*

Insta-death

2008-02-06T00:24:00.000-05:00

There's a medical condition that I hear is worse than having the rurals or Shiels. It's a little something called insta-death. See, if something entirely appalling happens, I sometimes say that insta-death will be the end result. For example...

Someone hitting Kyle Jay's Celica? Insta-death.

Denouncing 'More Than A Feeling'? Insta-death.

And really, there's a whole host of scenarios. Choose your own!

If that's a word, I'll be shocked.

So, while on a double date with Ernie, Summer, and a player to be named later, somehow the topic of ear cancer got brought up. Being the skeptic and future health professional that I am, right away I said there's no such thing. To prove my point, I said I would do some research on Wikipedia to definitively disprove such a diagnosis. If you don't see the humor in that statement, you might also want to know that mice like cheese.

Sure enough, there was an entry on ear cancer. I must say, it was one of the most entertaining entries I had read. And what sealed the deal? The mention of instant death. Yes kids, if you get ear cancer, you will die in a mere moment!

After discussing Ron Burgundy interviewing Tom Izzo with Mr. Happy, Katamarci informed me that someone had edited the ear cancer entry. Apparently someone wants to be all official and not funny!

Who does that? It's obviously a bogus entry and it lost all its cool by trying to be truthful! So what does any decent, Wikipedia-respecting person do?

They join Wikipedia and restore ear cancer to its rightful place.

jeff is my hero

You're welcome,
Dirt Eater.

From The ICGBT Archives 3: I’m Your Density

2008-02-03T23:36:00.000-05:00

A recent course of events has yet again made me reevaluate my stance on how life operates. Kyle Jay gets his Beretta totaled (but still drivable, of course) --> Kyle Jay finds The Cutty on craigslist --> Kyle Jay and Worm see one of Worm's old hometown church friends at the brewing company after purchasing The Cutty. Everything from the stupid driver to test driving the new car had to lead up perfectly to that singular point when I stared down the bar to see that girl. What were the odds on that?

So is it all fate? What about God's involvement? Could it all be based on chance alone? I had a fairly impassioned view on the subject a couple years ago (now edited for content), mostly with regards to people finding 'The One'. And I don't mean Neo.

Hey Neo, you were in a movie with some commentary on fate, think you'll like this blog post?

"No."
----------
September 12, 2005

There is no such thing as fate. The Legend Formerly Known As Tinman and I have discussed this on numerous occasions, but I wanted to mention one scenario in particular. That whole "love" thing. Granted, we all know it's overrated, but movies like 'Serendipity' give people a false reality. It's a movie; of course it's a lie. Unless it's about blond-haired dudes getting eaten by bears, then it's real.

You and I both know persons, be they men or women, who drink the Fate-Flavored Kool-Aid and ask for seconds. They feel their story of how they met their beloved is some amazing coincidence directed by God and pheromones. Meeting your spouse at class in college? Not all that weird. Hooking up because you dropped your e-mail address in a St. Ignace Saints Softball donation can? Odd, but still by sheer chance.

Look, it's not bad to be in a relationship, but don't try and make up some cockamamie (yes, I spell-checked that) story about how if it weren't for a particular sequence of events, you never would have met. Technically, anyone can say that. Even those couples from eHarmony.

----------

My my, how bitter was I? It's always interesting to go back and read how you used to think. Clearly I've evolved since my P2 year and now have a different take on the inner workings of life (and "love").

I can see the benefits to either argument. If something bad happens, you can chalk it up to fate. Making out with that nasty girl? Ahhh, inevitable! Why regret when you can't blame yourself?

On the other hand, something good happens, why not thank God? It is reassuring to believe that God intervenes on a daily basis to keep you happy. Right?

Or you could own up to all of your decisions, lamenting or celebrating everything that happens in your life. Why? Because you did it! Self-high five!

Obviously, things aren't as black and white as all those scenarios. And if you don't believe in something, does it still affect you?

So what's it going to be? Destiny, fate, God, coincidence, timing, or a combination thereof?

I have decided beyond any shadow of a doubt...that I do not know what I subscribe to. You can put all of that mumbojumbo in a blender, that's what I'll drink. There's a few instances in my life to make me think it's not all by chance. At the same time, I like to think that what I do has a direct impact on my life. I guess I'll go with the theory that God/fate shows you the door, but you have to walk through it.

Yeah, that sounds about right.

Going with the flow,
Tapeworm.

A Collection Of Musings

2008-01-24T17:10:00.000-05:00

I'm sorry, but the title of this entry is merely a cover. See, "musings" sounds much more polished and distinguished than "rants". Like, "making love" as opposed to a whole host of intercoursal terminologies.

I bet you won't see that on the SAT any day soon.

----------
Food
----------
Part A) How bothered would you be if The Whopper really was discontinued? Would you be saddened for a moment? Could you make it through the day?

Atreyu boy, giving his best impression of Spike's "What, what the ****?!" look.

I'm fairly certain that if I went to a Burger King for the first time since I last wanted diarrhea and they gave me that news, I'd ask for whatever burger was next in line to give me an equal amount of calories and bad taste.

"Uh, it's not the calories that get you; it's the saturated fat."

I know Meatwad, I took a nutritions class. If you want to save calories, don't get a diet soda at a fast food joint...just don't go.

Part B) Has anyone figured out why caramel corn makes up such a disproportionate amount in those popcorn tins? It's 2:1:1 over butter and cheddar, clearly the two better flavors. I'd think those artificial flavorings would be cheaper than mass melting caramel. Plus, they'd probably sell more if they didn't cater to that 1% of the market that really loves caramel corn (a market that probably wouldn't settle for the quality of caramel they can buy in a tin with a Christmas tree on it).

----------
Internets
----------
Part A) Of all the Facebook applications out there, I find the 'Causes' one most intriguing. Overall, I think it is an excellent concept. In the last few decades, college students have proven to be a very polarizing force for this nation. However, today's generation is far too apathetic. Well, apathetic isn't true, because we do care, right? We're just all inherently lazy.

Take a look at the 'Causes' you or your friend support. It's great that you/they are raising awareness; that's half the battle right there. Take 'The ONE Campaign' for instance.

There are more group members to support Grey's Anatomy and Stephen Colbert. And check out the donations. That's less than 11 cents per person.

Really, I have no right to be ripping on poor college students, especially since I haven't donated to anything...ever? But if you are so deeply moved by something, try a little harder than clicking 'Join'. Along the same vein, if you think I really care that much about the 'Causes' application, would I be writing a blog post about it?

Part B) I'm rather disappointed that technology has progressed to the point where we can have dancing advertisements.

How in the hell would that make me want to go to college online? Worst part is they wouldn't keep producing those ads if they didn't work. Someone's been clicking on that groovin' alien for a new mortgage, student loans, and probably a new credit card.

----------
The Working Men
----------
Part A) Someone should shut Liberty Tax Service down. I know they are paying their employee money, but it doesn't seem real humane to have another human being standing out in 17 degree weather, dressed up as a pseudo-Lady Liberty holding a sign to advertise your establishment that sits 20 feet from the road.

Part B) As if another depressing trip to Meijer couldn't possibly get worse, I sealed my fate Monday by talking to the Gentleman Cart Wrangler. Yes, that's his official title. As I was about to put my cart into the corral, he offered to take it off my hands on that horribly wintry day. He had the look of man where life had beaten him for a good 30 or 40 years. He wasn't well-groomed and a burly golden beard was drawn down across his bright orange vest.

As I guided the cart through the slush to him, I said, "Sir, I do not envy you today."

His reply?

"Nobody ever does."

What can you say to that? I moseyed back to my car, silently wishing I had some ridiculous amount of money to hand the guy so he wouldn't have to push around carts for the rest of his days. I wouldn't have even cared if he spent that money on booze. That man deserved any comfort he could get.

Hating MoJo's for their "No Hat" policy (yet allowing five other people to have hats),
Wormburner.

The Best Video Game Review Ever

2008-01-04T18:16:00.001-05:00

Thanks to Mr. Happy, here's a little Australian gem.

- Wyrm.

What I Learned In Chicago

2008-01-03T19:04:00.000-05:00

Last weekend, Mr. Happy, Katamarci, and I embarked on a journey to the Windy City. Mr. Happy had a job interview, I had old friends to see, and Katamarci...well, a taste for Vodka at noon (kidding, kidding). It was my first time in Chicago in nearly four years and my second time not staying in a hostel with crazy folks. While taking in the sights and sounds of ChiTown, I came to a few conclusions:

1) I could not live in a big city.
- This was the overriding theme of the trip. I enjoy Chicago's unique little neighborhoods, but if I lived there, that is basically all I would get acclimated to. I'd get used to my corner pub, the local convenience store, and the nearest cinema. I doubt I'd ever feel real comfortable going into the heart of the city and I know I'd hate going across town for sporting events and such. Plus, I'm not sold on taking mass transit to work everyday.

2) People are stupid.
- Okay, this isn't a revelation, but it bears mention. While walking downtown, Mr. Happy and Katamarci overheard someone remark that Walgreens is only located in Chicago and Michigan. I don't think I need to add anything else to that.

3) A king size bed comfortably fits three adults.
- I had originally planned on sleeping on a hotel floor for one night (would've been two, were it not for the bed and someone canceling on me *cough* Nurse Lisa *cough cough*). Fortunately, our hotel room came furnished with beds large enough to accommodate a three English Mastiff night.

4) The best kind of art is sexually explicit art.
- Mr. Happy and Katamarci waltzed through the Museum of Contemporary Art and the most viewed exhibit was of two people making out. Believe it. Hey, if I wanted to pay to see that, I'd throw dollar bills at teenagers in the park!

"Am I right?"

I will never overuse that picture.

5) The price of alcohol increases with elevation.
- Sure, most anything you buy in Chicago is bound to be more expensive. But how about $7.50 for a Bud Lite 96 floors up? Don't get me wrong, it was worth it considering the company and the view. Plus, it wasn't nearly as appalling as...

6) Fresh-squeezed orange juice is damned expensive.
- At the recommendation of the hotel concierge (yeah, and you wonder why you didn't get a tip), we headed to a nearby diner for breakfast on our first morning in town. Before ordering our overpriced and undertasty omelettes, I made sure to put in for beverage. A few minutes later, I received a measly 8 ounce glass of "fresh-squeezed" orange juice. For starters, it took about two swallows to consume the citrus liquid. The worst part? I looked at the menu and saw that each swallow cost $1.75. Makes the beer seem a lot more worth it, doesn't it?

Putting a little mustard on it,
Wyrmer.

From The ICGBT Archives 2: I'm Going To Burn

2008-01-02T00:26:00.001-05:00

While watching Hawaii get demolished tonight, one of the announcers proudly proclaimed a play was "trickeration". Kyle commented how he didn't think that was a word with an undertone of dislike. Here was my (brief) take on the word.

----------
November 1, 2005

Here's a random gripe, and it's not what you think it's about. With regards to what you think it is, I will be changing my password for blogging. I'm pretty sure Spike knows what that will be...

So about this peeve of mine, it's whenever sportscasters use this word.

See? It don't exist. Next time there is a double-reverse, a halfback pass, or your wife cheats on you with your broadcast partner, do not, ever, EVER call it trickeration. Unless you plan on ending your life.
----------

The random gripe you should've jumped to was that of an old roommate of mine having raucous sex with his girlfriend.

It's only natural,
Wyrm

From The ICGBT Archives: Oh, Garce And Gloyr

2007-12-27T01:34:00.000-05:00

Back in the day, oh, two years ago or so now, I started up a blog with Mr. Happy and Spike. Despite a good deal of crude humor and immaturity, I still think it held a lot of comedic promise...so much so that whenever I get lazy, yet want attention, I'll be reposting old entries from I Can't Get Behind That. Of course, I will have to edit them for content and fit them to your monitor, but other than that, hopefully you'll get a couple laughs.

I was reminded of this particular writing thanks to the glut of ads for that oh so great male fragrance spray Bod. Heck, just a couple days ago, Mr. Happy and I laughed when finding a bottle of a particular odor: Really Ripped Abs. Yeah, that was the name. So, without further ado, I give you, part one of the ICGBT Archives.

----------
Friday, December 16, 2005

It’s ova, finally. Another semester put in the books and if I didn’t want to make money by selling drugs so damn bad, I’d only have one semester left in music industry management. But screw it, what’s two and a half more years these days?

This will likely be my last entry for about a month or so. I got movies to go see, sleep to catch up on, and oh, what’s that? A new, used Xbox? Well hot diggity.

To warm up with, I’d like to talk you all about a little fragrance spray. It’s called ‘Bod.’

As you well know, the commercials are pretty much anti-getting laid. Well, unless you qualify “getting laid” as having the equivalent of prison sex, then you’ll get plenty of action all right. Who in the hell advertises a guy’s body spray by showing half a dozen sweaty dudes playing basketball? The manufacturers themselves seem confused as to the scent’s purpose. They have one lady telling you that she “wants your bod,” but they have that really weird sounding announcer letting you know it’s made by Body Fantasies, and oh, it’s okay to like dudes

If they wanted to make money, they’d model their commercials after Axe and Tag. I’m a good representation of that target demographic (out of shape, doesn’t see much sunlight, sees even less pudding) and trust me, we aren’t that hard to market to. Girls tackling guys? I bought ‘After Hours.’ Women molesting not-Jack's Mannequin? I invested in Flight of the ‘Phoenix,’ featuring Hugh Laurie.

So excuse me Body Fantasies, but your product might as well be called “Gay Spray.”
----------
Hmm. I don't think that post is going to help my cause for convincing Katamarci I don't hate gay people.

Still taking suggestions for stuff to do in Chicago,
Worm.

It's...Science?

2007-12-20T18:26:00.000-05:00

After venting to Mr. Happy about my displeasure with clinical seminar, I took his suggestion and stepped away from my project for a moment. I turned on the TV to see the tail end of an episode of Fox Sports Net's series Sports Science. Turns out, it was episode four in the show. Here's a description from Foxsports.com:

----------
Episode 4
Cheap Shots: What does a Cheap Shot feel like in Sports?

There are rules in sports for a reason. And in this episode of Sport Science, we will show you what would happen without them. We will test what the consequences of being hit in the head with a bean ball without a helmet on are. What does getting low blowed in boxing really feel like? And, oh yeah, being hit square in the head with baseball bat or hockey stick really hurts. But that's nothing compared to being hit in the family jewels by a tennis ball traveling 50 MPH. Don't forget to wear a cup!!
----------

Uhh, how the hell is getting hit in the balls considered science? It's like one of those "studies" that reveals eating fast food causes you to develop a fat ass. I'm pretty sure all the research you need for a cup comes courtesy from my (ex) Tiger C-Mo.

Or you could just ask any 2nd grade boy that got in a fight with a girl how one's nuts feel afterward. Who cares about your heart rate.

If that's episode four and they've already exhausted a Jackass topic, what's to follow?

"Next time on Sports Science: How it feels to get punched in the boob and va-jay-jay!"

Still hating his handout,
Wormburner.

P.S. - I find it hilarious they don't list weights on women's basketball rosters but do on the men's.

I'm Selling Out

2007-12-02T18:46:00.000-05:00

Thanks to my good friend Soon-To-Be-Ex-Rose, I realized I could make some dough while blogging. Since MySpace and Facebook don't offer this, and ICGBT has been on life support for well over a year and a half, I figured what the hell. From now on I'll be importing my other blogs and hopefully someone will click on ads, even if they don't buy anything.

Hey, it fits the color scheme,
Worm.

Speak Of Teh Hellyeah

2007-12-02T18:24:00.002-05:00

I originally started writing this entry months ago. While driving back from a Sunday at the pharmacy, I heard this horrendous song on KLQ. The chorus went something like "alcohol and ass." It was terrible enough for me to do some research. Turns out it was Avengement's arch nemesis, Hellyeah (they took our idea of a self-titled single from a self-titled album) and the song was their hit "Alcohaulin' Ass."

Acoustic? Srsly?

That makes so much more sense than what I heard! Here's what I had been working on:

-------
Introducing Hellyeah, the most stereotypical southern rock band possible. Don't get me wrong, I like southern rock (I think). The Wedding is from Arkansas, Underoath's from Florida, and The Showdown is surely southern. But where does Hellyeah get off thinking they can be so blatantly redneckish and get away with it? They are the Larry The Cable Guy of rock music. There's already that built-in NASCAR fan base and it doesn't take much to appeal to them.

Hick 1: Hey, have you heard of Hellyeah?

Hick 2: No, but with a name like that, they must rock!

H1: Hell yeah!

H2: Well, I gotta go beat my wife.

H1: Yeah, me too.
-------

That's so inaccurate. There's no way they'd use proper punctuation like that!

Anyhow, after a bit more searching, I was rather disheartened to find that the group consists of band members with legitimate talent (Mudvayne, Pantera). With so many sound-alike groups, why not come up with one for guaranteed success? Take a look at their MySpace comments. Almost every other post contains a "Hell yeah!" or something about ass kicking or the worst contraction ever: y'all. It's one of those scenarios where you're hoping it is really a mock band to make a statement about the crappy mainstream music nowadays. Too bad that isn't the case.

Thankfully, another band has come to the rescue: S*** Yeah. Essentially, they say all I've ever wanted to about Hellyeah and saved me the keystrokes. If you can tolerate cursing, have a gander at how they describe themselves.

Not wanting to know what a Balls Volume Strength Tour really entails,
Wizzerm.

P.S. - Counterpoint to my caption:

Dear Rock Concert Goers

2007-12-02T18:24:00.001-05:00

Whether this is your first show or you're a seasoned veteran, I have a few pieces of advice you ought to hear. A prelude, if you will.

For starters, do not wear apparel representing any of the bands that will be performing that evening. This isn't a sporting event; you don't have to show your support for their musicianship. Everyone already knows whom you're there to see, as if the limited edition plastic-encased vinyl record of the headliner's third album you're lugging around wasn't a tip-off.

Patronizing Worm: "Hey, who are you here to see?"

Frat Boy Douchebag: "Aww man, TOOL, because they rock HARD."

PW: "Really? So you bought their shirt tonight?"

FBD: "Naw, I got it at Hot Topic. It's so punk rock!"

Speaking of shirts, there is never a good reason to remove your top, be you a man or a woman. Hoo-hoo's and he-he's are best kept under raps lest you be confused with a fan of Hellyeah. The venue may be hot, and you may be sweaty, but so is everyone else. Random ass grabs and elbows to the ribs are hard enough to avoid. Perspiration-drenched flesh is an easily prevented obstacle.

If you attend a show with your girl, you have a singular quest: protect her. That means eliminating sexual advances, keeping her a safe distance from the mosh pit, and gladly taking any body blows to spare her frame the same. Who says chivalry's dead? Just watch Rumsey and Aurora at a Breaking Benjamin concert and all faith shall be restored. However, guarding your girlfriend does not include letting her use your body as a stripper pole. This isn't some Kanye West-playing joint where crotchel grinding is as prevalent as slutly dressed blonds. Enjoy the music, there's always time for a post-show coital boogie.

For anyone who so chooses to move along to the music, please limit it to headbanging and the occasional rock fist. Randomly flailing your arms does not count as expressing yourself, it's called being an ass. Or having epilepsy. If you prefer skanking, you best think long and hard about what kind of show you'll be attending. In other words, skank at home, preferably down a flight of stairs.

Oooh-ing at stage backdrops is disallowed as well. While you were gasping at the lights changing perty colors, you completely missed out on that face-melting solo. Congrats. If you ever attend a show by Avengement, make sure you identify yourself as a fan of the production crew so we can give you sparklers on your way out.

Lastly, if you're going to sing, know the lyrics. Everyone will be horrified by your voice as it is, but at least you can soften the blow by reciting the chorus correctly.

All in all, these rules shouldn't be too hard to follow. Not only will you still have a good time, but the patrons around you will appreciate that you're allowing them to enjoy the concert they paid to attend.

Sincerely,
Verm.

I Got Celebrity-ism

2007-12-02T18:23:00.000-05:00

Considering it was brought to my attention that I have an avid fan base of at least 1 person, I figured I was due for an update while I had some free time.

By now, most of you are well aware of that crazy guy on YouTube going off defending Britney Spears for being an ugly talentless hack. If you haven't heard of him, feel free to watch this video courtesy of The Soup.

Of course, something like this is going to bother me on various levels. And no, I'm not going to rip on the guy since that's easy pickings and I can't do a better job than Seth Green.

What Irks Me:

1 - Obsession with celebrities.

I'm not sure when as a culture it became normalcy to discuss famous people's offspring at the water cooler. And I totally understand wanting to be rich and recognized, but how does Cribs promote anything other than desiring more and more possessions? Wow, that sounds like something a preacher would say!

I'm sure if I ever met say, Henry Rollins or Conan O'Brien I would go total fanboy on them. Even so, I'd like to think I could restrain myself to some degree out of the respect I have for their work and still recognize them for what they are: human beings. It would be cool to have a beer with Tom Izzo someday, but I'm perfectly content at a bar with Papa Worm and Mr. Happy.

2 - Anyone can become famous.

With cases like the Britney Spears Guy, it gives hope to every person on the internets with a camera and time to waste. Does that guy have any inherent skill? People are attracted to the absurdity of the situation, not for any great accomplishment. But, since he attracted nationwide attention, BSG is getting a TV deal. Why that and not this?

I am glad Seth Green ripped on this kid, but it might have also added fuel to the fire. Who knows when the next unemployed person living with their grandparents will try to entice a celebrity to make fun of them.

3 - Fame has a short half-life.

I guess that's the one good equalizer in this. It seems things come and go, and soon enough we forget which team upset Michigan when. This time next year we won't remember BSG because we'll have some new media whore clogging up our airways.

All in all, we still dictate what is popular and what goes by the way side. I'm guilty in the grand scheme too. If that Crocker douche comes up with a response to Seth Green, you know I'll watch it...and silently hope people start lining the streets to deal with him.

Wondering when that Chad Warden movie is coming out,

Worm.

Birth, School, Work, Death

2007-12-02T18:22:00.000-05:00

Over the course of the summer, I've had a lot of thoughts run through my head regarding my future. After all, this is my last summer of freedom and next year I'll have a real job (God willing). That means all I've gotten used to with the consistency of education and seasonal employment will now be pushed aside for real life. In a way, I am anxious to get started. I'm curious as to what exactly I will do in pharmacy, where I'll live, and so on. But really, I'm going to miss all that I've gotten used to.

It's kind of funny to look at all of the things that seemed like obstacles back in the day. Long division? Pfft. Driver's ed? Cakewalk. Sorting cards for a Hallmark store? Easy (although boring as hell). Each year there were new challenges to overcome and changes to complain about. What I never grasped then, which I hope I do now, is how simple everything was...and how I never truly appreciated those days.

Having gotten a glimpse for the past couple months of my future profession, I am glad to know that I will like my job. Sure, I'd rather take Mario's spot in the FSN Detroit booth (no offense Mr. Impemba), but pharmacy is a darn good gig. I enjoy interacting with patients and there is always new stuff to learn.

Even so, being a pharmacist is still a job. After a couple long days of work, I came back to my apartment to be consoled by the last few innings of the Tigers game and a late dinner. At which point I thought to myself, "Is this all there is? Will this be my life for the next few decades?"

I guess the answer lies in the future. Until then, I'll try to live in the now and hope this guy doesn't show up at my door:

"Why did you waste it? Why didn't you taste it?"

I'll have time,
Worm.

-Bonus inspirational reading.
-Bonus inspirational image.

It's A Baseball World (Repost)

2007-12-02T18:17:00.000-05:00

Baseball Triple Header Part 1: Be A Kid, Steal A Run

While watching the Tigers this afternoon, an interesting/frustrating play occurred. In the midst of the bullpen blowing the game in the 8th, the LA aHols (may be a few misplaced keystrokes there) were given the lead thanks to hit by Garrett Anderson and a catch by a fan in right-center field. At first, all I could do was shake my head and curse under my breath. Then, I found something to focus my hatred on: the extra outfielder in the stands.

You may remember someone named Jeffrey Maier. To sum up his story, as a young fan he helped his team by reaching over the fence to pull in a fly ball, giving New York a home run. More can be read here, but basically it's one of, in my opinion, the worst missed calls in recent history of the game. For those of you who do not know, this play is properly called a ground rule double due to fan interference. In that case, the batter is given second base while any baserunner
advances two bases. And now, that game, and possibly the series, is up for debate due to a random kid altering the score.

Is that a fist pump or an air punch?

Today's game wasn't of the same significance, but it did contain a similar play, as I alluded to earlier. Instead of giving up one run with a chance to get out of the inning (granted, a difficult chance), Byrdak coughs up a three-run jack all because a kid who looks like Bartolo Colon's spawn reels the ball in. On the replays, it is blatant that the kid leaned over the guard rail. The umps don't have the ability to rewind what transpired and can only convene about the play (which they did). Jim Leyland saw what went down and he argued the result. So here's what confuses me...if Leyland could tell the kid caught the ball over the railing with his view from the dugout, how did no ump on the field see this?

Apparently punishing your team with a double instead of a homer isn't enough to prevent America's youth from changing the game. I'm sure I come off sounding harsh, but what's to stop the next Tom or Harry from becoming the next Dick? I mean Jeffrey, yeah, Jeffrey.

All the more reason I hate kids.

Off with their hands,
Worm.

P.S. - No one should compare this to Bartman. He prevented an out; he didn't prevent the Cubs from scoring. His move was bonehead as well, but at least he was in foul territory the entire time. Plus, was it really his fault for that Alex Gonzalez booted the ball?

Baseball Triple Header Part Two: O Bullpen, Where Art Thou?

Although our bullpen struggles have been evident all season, it has now reached the point where I feel the need to vent about our relief pitchers. Do remember that I'm a Todd Jones fan. So, if I can have love for The Rollercoaster and still feel the need to write, what does that say about our other relief pitchers?

The part that gets me the most is the inconsistency. Why do our relief pitchers have to show flashes of what they displayed last season for a couple outings then get shelled in the next? It makes no sense to me. Guys get on these little streaks then fall off track just as soon as you have regained faith in them.

Byrdak used to strike out guys like it was his duty to God and country. Grilli and Miner have been known to induce grounders. Durbin has pitched in relief before, why wouldn't his success as a starter carry over? Seay had even garnered a nickname from me. Macay has faltered as of late. And Capellan? Well, let's just say Chris Cody is still striking out a hitter per inning in the minors.

Take a good hard look at that list. Which one of them in any situation would you feel confident in for setting up Jonesy? Heck, you don't even have to be 100% confident. Jones gets the save in 84.375% of his opportunities. Which of them would you bet on for keeping a lead 8 out of 10 times?

"Ohhhhh, well he forgot about Zumaya and Rodney!"

I will be ecstatic when the setup duo returns, even if F-Rod wasn't having a great season. But I really don't think that will be enough. A large part of our success last year was the Grilli's and the Walker's of the world just being serviceable. I don't want perfect innings; I just want someone to keep the opposition at bay.

Considering all this, I really think we're going to have to go out and get some other reliever. With the trade deadline approaching, we'd have to pay a pretty prospect to land a reliever. There's a chance with Zumaya and Frodney that the rest of our bullpen will be fresh enough to be more effective, but I don't want to bank on that.

Keep the faith, at least some of it,
Worm.

Baseball Triple Header Part 3: Barry Who?

As if we didn't already have enough commentary on Barry Bonds, here I am throwing in my two cents. This whole deal is really overexposed, but at least the press I'm giving it is hoping it goes back into the shadows.

I opened up ESPN.com a couple days back and viewed this:

For starters, does ESPN think the American public is so unaware that they need to post three seperate announcements about Bonds' homers?

Or does ESPN think the American public has such a short term memory that if they don't have a notification every few centimeters on the main page that we'll forget about baseball's greatest juicer?

"Hey honey! Look at this, Barry Bonds hit another! Well, I guess it's time to mow the lawn. Hey sweetie! He hit 754! Wow. I better pay more attention, I might miss when-hey baby! He's one away from Hank Aaron! Phew, I wouldn't want the buddies at work to think I don't know anything about sports. Oh shoot, how do I breathe again?"

All I'd like to know is who really cares. Obviously Bonds is a very polarizing figure, but we all know he's going to break the record. There's no excitement. I've been hating on Bonds for years and now ripping on him almost seems redundant. We know about the steroids, his bad relationship with the media, how only Giants fans like him. Nothing's new. And if A-Rod stays healthy, we'll have a new home run leader eventually. He may be jay with his ball slapping, dirty slides, and little league-esque yelling at opposing infielders. But, at least he is a legit hitter who doesn't do steroids.

Kind of funny that we'd rather have that image of a home run hitter than this:

Not hailing that king,
Worm.

What's Music Got To Do With It, Got To Do With It?

2007-11-30T12:22:00.000-05:00

As the music industry presses on into the future, there are artists pushing the forefront of creativity. Meanwhile, others go a different route, seeking the limits of what is acceptable in song. And lately, “straight f***ing” has been in the recording studio.

A few weeks ago, I diverted from my diet of NPR and 89FM The Impact and heard Kid Rock’s latest, “So Hott.” Yes, it is spelled with two t’s, it is that hot. I really don’t know what one part of it makes it so terrible, but I latched onto the theme of the song for this post.

To prevent sounding like an old Baptist preacher, it’s not that sex in music bothers me…unless it’s that Parkinsonian-sounding lead singer from Say Anything because that dude should have no experience with the female form to be able to write songs. I digress. Plenty of fine tunes have been composed about sex. For instance, I doubt Mick would settle for second base with “Let’s Spend The Night Together.” In addition, The Beatles had a little ditty called “Why Don’t We Do It In The Road?”

“You know what the ‘it’ is? Necking with the Nard Dog.”

Really, those songs aren’t less obvious with their intent. However, they present the topic with a bit more class than dropping the F bomb. I guess when you’ve never been associated with class you don’t have to worry about what you create.

Like Buckcherry. I’m sure it was a nearly seamless transition to resurrect their career from a song about cocaine to now being famous for “Crazy Bitch.” The best part is how the title and chorus aren’t blatant enough, but “getting f***ing laid” is in the first verse to clear up any debate.

Songmeanings.net User #1: “I think this song’s about some lady he has relations with.”

Songmeanings.net User #2: “Naw, Josh Todd drew inspiration from this yippy Shiatsu his grandmother owned.”

SU1: “So ‘I like the way you f*** me' is a metaphor regarding the dog biting his ankles?”

SU2: “Yes. And the proper nomenclature is simile, dude.”

Well, at least that covers the topic of demeaning women. I’m looking forward to their future hits such as “I Hate My Dad” and “I’m So Cold And Far Away (Stay Away).”

Will we ever see a change? Probably not. You know as well as I do there are girls in clubs who can’t wait to dance to “So Hott” or “Crazy Bitch.” And if they aren’t offended by the lyrics or the white trash singers, who will be?

For now, I’ll stick to the most tasteful song about sex known to man. A little “Afternoon Delight” perhaps? Don’t mind if I do.

“I’m talking about enjoying a bowl of chicken soup with a Reuben, and then making dirty Reuben love.”

That’s my motto,
Worm.

Whoa-ly Hotties

2007-08-01T01:14:00.000-04:00

Awhile back, I was watching 20/20 (hey, it was a one time deal) and they did a little exposey on the porn industry. Crazy stuff like parents running their daughter's business and one star who really wanted to date a nice guy (I could be...that guy). Another interesting tale was about the Holy Hotties, ex-porn stars who are not missionaries (litrelly...not the position). I went over a profile tonight and found the following picture which I felt was too ironic to pass up.

Not sure J.C. would approve of that,
Worm.

A Word To The Ladies In My Apartment Complex

2007-07-02T21:57:00.001-04:00

Hello. My name's Worm. You may have been busy ignoring me earlier tonight, but I wasn't ignoring you. In fact, I wanted to dedicate a special little post to you and all the other inconsiderate persons who work to ruin and inconvenience the lives of the general population on a daily basis.

For starters, it's common courtesy to hold the door open for someone, especially if you are a mere few feet away. Tack on the fact that this door requires a key card to enter, and you would receive much adoration for saving a fellow resident the trouble of activating this entrance. I guess I never realized that waiting for the elevator could be such a strenuous activity.

Even so, it's not like I was hoping you'd help me carry armfuls of groceries up to my apartment. Shoot, I'd only done that for one of the three girls waiting. I guess maybe had another couple guys shown up, someone would have gotten the door, right?

It couldn't be that you thought you were too good for some skinny guy, could it? After all, I did get complimented on my looks by a drug rep today, and you know how good they dress!

Lastly, if you are so dead set on not moving to open the door, at least find a creative way to get out of doing it. No one's going to believe that your conversation with your roommate is so good that you can't talk and move at the same time. Nor would chatting on a phone be a good excuse either, especially if you watched that person walk up to the building the entire time you were on your cell.

Hey, I know you've got a lot on your mind. How much alcohol will you consume tonight, when does you birth control run out, and how come your construction-working boyfriend still beats you...these are all legitimate inquiries. A momentary lapse in courtesy is understandable. But when you see someone coming up to two sets of double glass doors, you're going to remember at some point.

By the way, tights under a skirt? Not hot.

To the next doorman I meet,
Worm.

Tales From MySpace

2007-06-12T10:45:00.000-04:00

Taking a page out of The Soup's book, I decided to start a little segment inspired by their 'Tales From Home Shopping' bit. Of course, I don't got time like they do watch crappy TV and jack around.

"Oh he does it, he makes time for it."

I was perusing through a few local profiles and came across one that nearly horrified me into a coma. This might be the most anti-boner picture in the history of man:

I think that could be used to promote abstinence.

Now, I won't rip on all the features that are appalling (no, not even the stubby fingers). But why must people feel the need to put themselves out there like this? Are we attention whores that much? Why would anyone put this girl up for legitimate modeling shots? Who would look at this and say "I'd hit that"? I'm about to call a "Your Team" on Spike here.

You might be wondering how I found this. Well, sometimes, you're just drawn to things like a train wreck...in an entirely unsexualizing way.

-Worm

Mr. Or Mrs. Or Ms. Or Mz. Anonymous

2007-06-02T11:53:00.001-04:00

Please...reveal yourself. Not that it is freaking me out by any means, but considering essentially no one reads teh blog anymore, I'm curious as to who is. So, ya know, either make another comment, or drop one of us a line sometime.

Thanks for reading (and commenting). I'm actually considering doing more posts as a result of having a reader.

- Worm.

eHarmony...eSchmarmony

2007-04-04T15:04:00.000-04:00

While purusing the Slick Deals forums, I noticed there was an announcement for a free communication weekend from eHarmony. I had always told Mama Worm that I'd end up on that site someday, so I figured, why not give it a whirl.

For starters, I really don't like sites like that. They totally prey on people's desperation to the tune of about, oh, 20 bucks a month? Actually, I'm pretty sure it's way more than that.

Anyhow, I went along with it, hoping to scope out some Christian hotties. Hey, if they exist at Mars Hill, there have to be a couple floating around on the internets.

So I filled out my little profile thing (a $40, free!) and found this to be rather entertaining.

I browsed a few profiles, but unfortunately, no pictures. The hell kind of a dating service is this!? That's the most crucial part! I don't care if I match up with someone on their 87 points of interest or whatever. All that allows me to do is judge people on their English. And we all know how fond I am of that (see previous post).

Here's a few highlights:

Weird...because spelling and grammAr are my pet peeves.

Kind of weird that Jesus wasn't an actual person. Like, Kratos?

And reading Clay Aiken is supposed to draw men in?

Really not minding I'm single,
Worm.

I Hate Bulletins

2007-04-04T12:22:00.000-04:00

You filled out three in twenty minutes. Who the hell is going to read those? No one.

- Worm.

I'd Like To Write More...

2007-04-04T12:14:00.000-04:00

but I think it would take a whole day for me to rip on this kid. See, I got into my ex's e-mail (big no-no, I know, but I've done way less moralistic things) and saw that this guy has been writing her. No, I'm not jealous, but I do wonder what is appealing about a person you've never met when they write exclusively like this (some of my favorite excerpts):

- what sup so im writin u cause i haven't talked 2 you today so i just wanted to say i wsa thinkin bout u n u were on my mind.. ill talk to u later tho hope u have a great day -

- hey there so ok u can't read this i guess until after we talk haha.. idk ok so u can but how u doin?? i missed u last night kinda crazy eh? but i did n then today i was like is she on i wanna talk to her.. ughh it was gay but i mean o well i guess it means i like talkin 2 you.. cause u know ur pretty awsum and i like ur personality, all innocent n sweet. -

- thats awsum wish i could have watchd it w/ you we could have cuddled n cried 2 geter hahah.. -

- my x box is pretty hottt.. haha also im tryin to get back on track w/ god which is goin iight u know its alwyas hard but ya besides that i am havin fun i guess cuase i got to hear from you which made me smile and i have to admit i love hearin from you its AWSOMEEEEEE *don't mind the spelling haha* well im out but def holler back i love hearin from u its awsome haha.. -

What spelling!? There is none!

i dunt no bout u butt if i evr dat'd sum1 lik dat, id kil myself!!

hehe,
Wrm.

I Guess I Could Take Her Position

2007-02-04T15:42:00.000-05:00

Why is that so funny? Because that girl just got 34D implants.

- Worm.

It's Not A Revival, It's Just A Post

2007-01-21T20:56:00.000-05:00

A little excerpt from the pharmacy student message board.

- When I sighned up I followed the instructions, however I don;t get the game 
screen. I've gone in and clicked on the "Join a game" icon 6 times and filled 
out the information, however I'll still not showing up on the participants 
list. I also have no game info on the left side bar.

Can anyone help me?? -

Keep in mind folks, these are people who will be dispensing you lethal medication. 
How safe do you feel?

- Wizz.

A Little Pharmaceutical Humor

2007-01-18T20:56:00.000-05:00

Whenever The Tripod studies a case, we like to make up a name for the initials that are given to us. It livens up the boring work we have to do the night before an exam. However, tonight was special. See, we went through our cases with names like Linda Amilton and Boy Hunter, but getting to our final case was great. We decided that MV should stand for My Vagina, which makes for a much funnier read, after the first sentence. Enjoy.

Case #3

MV is a 15 month old female who presents to her pediatrician’s office with a 48 hour history of fever and irritability. Her mother reports that MV has been otherwise healthy with only a few colds this winter. She states that MV is acting completely different from her usual happy self. She is concerned that MV has an ear infection. The medical student who examines her reports that her MV’s left tympanic membrane is red, bulging, and immobile upon insufflation.

1. What other questions would you like to ask MV?

2. What do you recommend to treat MV? Explain your answer.

3. Is MV a candidate for the “watch and wait”, or SNAP, approach? Explain your answer.

Lack Of Constructive Contribution

2007-01-15T12:16:00.000-05:00

I hate that this blog has devolved into pictures only, but, it's better than nothing. Right?

Not For The Visually-Impaired

2006-12-30T17:17:00.000-05:00

Or the people who think that the human race isn't in trouble. Anyone else catch the '1 vs. 100' question that stumped 54 of 99 remaining contestants (and the person playing as well)? It went something like this...

: If Santa parallel-parked his sleigh, what portion of his sleigh would be perpendicular to the curb?
A - Driver-side door
B - Passenger door
C - Back of the sleigh

As the Gonz would say in his native tongue, "Es muy horible!" or something like that. Stupid American would sound cooler.

To pound the point home like a good Mississippian preacher, here are so more examples as to why we are hosed as a species.

Trying to prove your intellect on the internets...fantastic. Granted, some could say I'm trying to do the same thing by ripping on someone else's mistakes...buttttt at least the way I do it it comes off in a lot funnier manner. Or is that more fun?

That one's sort of like a Where's Waldo? of mistakes. But I bet she's had a boy for her hole life, just depends on which hole, oh!

This doesn't need a caption. However, I haven't posted in decades, so I wanted to reiterate that this is a BUSINESS outfit. If you're getting interviewed for the corner of South and Main maybe...

I'm really not sure what to make of this one. For starters, I don't get why women defile their bodies like this. I'm sure she's got a perfectly nice vagaroni, and here she is, giving it a header. What's the point? I guess she's a very committed daddy's girl (makes you wonder what kind). Were I her father, I'd find this pretty damned disheartening (I wouldn't want her to remember me by some tat above her downstairs), but also reassuring (since no guys who read Gaelic would ever go down on her).

I apologize for being overzealous with the croppage. It is always nice to see Jim Gaffigan's truths in the flesh.

See Bambi, humans are basically stupid as all hell.

Dibs on going as a Hot Pocket for Halloween.

P.S. - Thanks to Stevo for the correction.

Me & My Possessed Printer

2006-11-08T00:38:00.000-05:00

Thousands of years ago, I bought my beastly Gateway from Stevo for a cool $400 which included speakers with a sub, a limitless supply of hard drives, and all the free technical support one man could ever need. Plus, he threw in a printer that he permanently borrowed from his workplace. It was a pretty sweet deal especially since I've never had to reformat, was later given a flat panel monitor, and only had to replace the speakers (because I rocked a little too hard for the Altec Lansing set).

This semester, my printer has served me well, what with all this busywork. Hardly a hitch, I would say, even though I am running low on ink and paper.

Tonight was a bit different, of course. Why else would I be writing this note? So, while I'm typing up my entirely fabricated answers to Clinical Communications, I hear my printer start up. Over 95% of the time (p<0.05),>

"I'll swallow your soul!"

Okay, it doesn't really puke blood, but think how cool it would be if it did!

Anyhow, I hadn't executed any printing command. Yet here's my printer, chugging away to reveal page 3 of 3 regarding electron pair geometry. I quickly unplugged it, hoping it would clear the memory and forget about this cursed homework. But no, I plug it back in, up she starts again.

Which made me consider a certain scenario. Let's say that I did leave the printer on, as opposed to someone magically turning it on via ethernet. Let's say that someone did, in fact, hack through our network and accessed my printer (which, to the best of my knowledge, was not shared) with total disregard for my firewall (which provided no warning of an intrusion). Let's say I let all the pages finish printing.

Then what? What exactly would that person do? Come to apartment 415 to collect their homework?

*knock knock*

hax0r: "Oh hey, yea, um, I think you have my homework."

Worm: "Really? About molecular geometry, perhaps?"

hax0r: "Yea! Yea, that's it! Did all the pages print?"

*Worm provides the greatest nut punt of all time*

"Come get some."

It totally would've been way cooler if someone had made it print "Tonight...you" or something along those lines. On the bright side, it wasn't jay porn!

Hail to the king...
Baby.

- DaWormMan.

The Purpose Of ICGBT

2006-10-30T06:21:00.000-05:00

This blog is perfect for when I want to rant about someone, yet not let them know. Because apparently, I didn't say anything wrong (yet) in my last post about Rob Bell or the Bible. Personally, I think someone who is somewhat familiar with the scriptures (*cough Bono cough*) would be able to disect what I wrote and criticize it fairly well. Instead, I get an F because I don't like U2.

E.B. wrote at 12:16am

if you consider him a bad musician...i hate to see what you consider good

Boo hoo. You don't see me commenting on other people's notes saying how wrong they are for not liking a band that hasn't released anything good lately...or ever. What song of U2 compares to The Beatles' 'Hey Jude?' How about The Rolling Stones' 'You Can't Always Get What You Want?' Dare I mention Boston here too? Paul Stanley?

Here's the funny part: that kid has the One logo (Bono's charity thing) for his MySpace picture, lists U2 as his favorite band, and has 'any book on U2' listed directly after the Bible under favorite books.

So really, I'm waiting for Mr. Happy to help me concoct a sweet reply who is much more wise about music history. I don't think explaining to the kid that we have a lot in common (bass, Christianity, Relient K, Red Wings, Tigers, 19 Wheels, Coldplay, Pink Floyd, Anberlin, and The Foo Fighters) would do much good to change my grade.

I guess all that's left to do is change my password to "deathtobono."

- Worm.

Rob Bell, Why Have You Forsaken Me?

2006-10-29T21:15:00.000-05:00

Today was Rob Bell day...at least it should've been. Okay, so it's really shallow (I guess that's the right word) for me to attend church with the sole reason of wanting to hear one man speak. I will contend, though, that he is a great speaker (Wikipedia him right now, Wikipedia, Wikipedia, Wikipedia). And yes, I've got my gold already smelting for my massive statue as a tribute to Mr. Bell's work.

For the service this morning, Rob was nowhere to be seen. Needless to say, I was not pleased. I started moaning about his absence and my complaints only got worse when I learned that our sermon would be from the mouth of Bono via DVD. Oh goodie.

Naturally, I tuned the U2 frontman out as soon as he started talking about his work with AIDS and so forth. It's not because I'm insensitive to that issue (although I'm sure some would say I am), but I would've rather heard something that hit closer to home for me. Yea, I know that's entirely selfish. However, Rob doesn't charge a minimum of $50 to see him in person or hear his message (you can even download his sermons online for free without the risk of the RIAA suing you).

"And right here, you can see that I tell Worm to quit complaining."

That being said, I did take into consideration a good point Erndogg made. No matter who speaks on Sunday, that's God's message. I agree. I am sure there were portions of Bono's discussion that I could apply to my life. Even so, I really didn't see him as a medium for my faith. Instead of, as I viewed it, wasting 40 minutes of my life, I turned to the good book that lay in my lap.

And this reading ended up being my message from God. Were it not for Bono, I wouldn't have cracked open The Bible except to follow along with a real pastor. I made it through a few chapters of Matthew and realized how much more I focus on the words when I'm trying to ignore a bad musician. I know I didn't get as much out of it as a Rob Bell sermon, but I do need to take steps to individualizing my faith.

Which leads me to a point that struck me in my reading today. When Jesus talks about prayer, at least in Matthew chapter six, he advocates doing it in private. I guess this interests me since I can manipulate it and say that justifies me being so reserved in my beliefs. See, I'll never be one of those people that raises their hands in the air during emotional religious music. I very rarely pray out loud with other people around. I infrequently sing along to songs and never, ever clap.

I think for a time I found it odd that I was never so moved by the Spirit that I would do any of those rituals. I'm not sure I was envious, but it never sat right with me, watching all these other people act as they do, especially the arm raising. I do think some people over-emphasize that aspect of worship (like saying 'Thank You, Jesus' 1800 times during a three minute, preacher-lead prayer), either to show off to others that they are into it or to keep themselves focused on the late JC (which, I suppose, is fine with regards to the latter).

But now, I don't feel so odd about not doing any of that stuff and hopefully I won't look at those who do the aforementioned acts with such distaste. All I gotta do now is alter my pre-test routine and leave the praying for my bedroom (no, I'm not using this note to show off that I pray). Guess that rules out me ever having to say grace too. Yeah, I'm off the hook for Thanksgiving!

Cause baby, I sank all my ships for you,
Wormburner.

P.S. Bono, while you're taking in the scriptures, take a gander at Matthew 6:1-4.

It Is A New Era!

2006-10-29T21:09:00.000-05:00

"Of loneliness!'

I've decided that due to my hypoangerism, I'm going to start duplicating MyFace notes onto here. That way, I can appeal to my non-stalking friends who don't use MyFace as well as the general internet public that never reads this thing anyway. I really ought to advertise. Make t-shirts...

"Don't you worry man, I got Jersey covered!"

- Wyrm.

If I Ever Get Married...

2006-10-28T20:41:00.000-04:00

There will be no Margaritaville played.

- Wyrm.

From The Vault

2006-10-28T17:12:00.000-04:00

Manufactured Inspirato, that's what this is.

I think of this blog as a historical document. Granted, it only chronicles the last few years of my life, but it's still entertaining to read about the past and how damn funny I am was.

So it’s about time that I delve a little deeper into the unpublished archives, especially since I haven’t had a legitimate post in ages. A lot of the following developed out of this summer, but I think these tidbits are still relative to now…

Walkers with brakes…what’s up with that?

"Yea, what is up with that?"

If you need to use a walker, I doubt you’ll ever be going so fast that you’ll suddenly need to apply the brakes. Whoa now, wouldn’t want to shatter a hip! If you want to make the argument for walking downhill, I’ll believe it. However, I still can’t imagine an elderly person going down a hill that is so steep of an decline that their natural gravity couldn’t hold them in an upright position. And if they are going down such a sharp descent, I’m pretty sure God wants them to do a faceplant.

Kind of like that 2 year-old I saw bite the curb one day at the docks. Nothing spells out hilarity like the shrieking of a child from a self-inflicted injury. *sigh*

While on the topic of the youth of tomorrow, I’ve often thought that babies would be the perfect candidates for making sound effects in movies. The next time you’re around an infant, listen to the variety of noises they make. They can do the effects for all sorts of bodily functions, can substitute cry for a bad actress, supplement cat and dog noises, and even create an entirely new language for an alien race with their unintelligible vocalizations!

Yea, that was weak. Still, it's better than writing about the Tigers gifting the World Series.

Albert is a poohole,
Worm.

An Update, Of Sorts

2006-10-22T11:42:00.000-04:00

Really, all I have to say is that I have nothing to say. Lately, I've been more calm and there hasn't been a lot of anger stimulus in my life.

Well, except Ronnie Belliard.

Fatty.

Be that as it may, Rob Bell gave yet another great sermon today. A Mr. Rogers-type message. Save for the Taliban pedophiles.

- Worm.

Sharp As A Knife

2006-09-25T02:05:00.000-04:00

Gross. I'll take this Cuddy instead.

- Worm

An MSI Song In Full View

2006-09-24T23:46:00.000-04:00

For those of you who hadn't noticed, there's been a recent outpouring of panty shots on MyFace. Here's a few highlights, or lowlights, from the last week and a half at college:

And with those black boxes, my ace is covered. How they'll feel about those arrows, I'm not sure...like I needed to draw those anyway!

Methinks we need to install more tables at The Tripod's base.

- Wormie.

A New Enemy

2006-09-22T17:31:00.000-04:00

Yes, I have a journal full of Fosamax notes laiden with blog ideas. That's how you spend your summer...or, how I did.

While stuck in my closet on the island, I watched far too much TV. So much so that I happened upon a one Hayley DiMarco, who is a Christian, author, and slutwhore. Her topic of discussion revolved around her new book, as seen below (bee-low...b-low...blow):

Obviously not far enough! I want to see that girl's pu-deng!

I digress. I too would question why I am going to complain about a book that promotes virgins. You all know I love 'em, what's my issue?

It lies in the rampant hypocrisy of this book. Keep in mind, I won't ever read this text, so take my word for what you will. But in hearing this lady talk about the topic at hand, she laid a ton of blame on guys. I agree that dudes do want to sex around and I will never, EVER defend the stupid things my gender does. However, to say that it's the guy's fault? Oh, right, because he has free reign over any vagina he so chooses.

That thick girl in the parking lot? Hit it.

The sexy blonde from class with the long neck? She'd have it.

That seacow? Well, our bellcaptain already touched that up.

Girls apparently have no sex drive at all and have never wanted manflesh. If you want to portray a falsehood to young girls for the simple fact of making sure they don't get taken to bed pre-marriage, this is the book to read to little Susie each night. Outlaw handholding, kissing, and laying on a couch together because that "awakens a man's sexual thoughts." Yeah, and so does looking at a girl!

Pronoun Title DiMarco (I can't use Miss, that's too nice) compiled a whole list of things that will turn you into the unvirgin (or as she puts it, "sexually immoral"). Said acts include: freaking, staying the night, making out in public ("everyone assumes you are having sex"), petting parties, rainbow circles, and dry humping.

"Petting parties and rainbow circles?! Well all right, get me some of that and some candy!"

Sorry Meatwad, PT DiMarco says that's for grown-ups. Besides, I don't know what in the hell rainbow circles are, do you? While I'm asking rhetorical questions, did I mention this picture is in the book?

Whoa now, that's a little too close to the panty line! Satan would be proud.

So, now knowing that I gave up my virginity to an alcoholic whore four years ago, I've come up with the real answer for abstinence.

Dress every girl in sweats. I'd bet those jeans PT DiMarco's wearing in that picture do her ass realllll nice.

I'm pretty sure I am more qualified than she is to be making statements about everyone else's sex life anyway. Look at her Ask Hayley page.

Etchel wrote:
My boyfriend keeps hurting my feelings. He doesn't wanna talk and it's hard to get his attention. What should I do? He's always like this. Should I rather leave him? My friends say I deserve someone better. In fact, he's into drugs and I'm not proud of it. Please give me your advice in a Christian way. Thanks! I really need it now.

I've been good about not swearing lately but...is that girl fuckin' retarded!? Gee, takes a whole lot of school to be able to tell a girl to not date a drug addict. Shoot, throw in a few Bible verses for insta-credibility and you're golden! And if PT DiMarco didn't suggest sleeping with him to prove your love, I don't know what kind of a wonderful world we're living in.

This blog post brought to you by Outfield and The Knack,
Dirteater.

A Little Known Fact...

2006-09-22T16:19:00.000-04:00

"Don't fuck with me." - Jim Leyland addressing Barry Bonds.

True story, saw it on Outside The Lines.

Here's another factoid I wasn't aware of, Leyland litrelly kicks ass.

- Worm.

Dane Cook And His Fans Still Suck

2006-09-22T16:06:00.000-04:00

I really do enjoy whenever someone rips on Dane Cook. Kyle Jay, Mr. Happy, and yes, even the hosts of X-Play hate that jay dude. He's a glorified fratboy to the bitter end. I found it funny how immature of a grown man he is, as showcased on his HBO series. I thought it was great when in the finale, he talked about how it was always his dream to be on Home Box Office and he remembers an exact instant when he realized he could do it. Maybe that instant came when he became the EXECUTIVE PRODUCER for his show. Shocker, not the super finger.

What induced this repetitive rant? Another MyFace group, of course!

If you read that title, why would you join? I still think they've more members than ARYF...whatashame.

Here's to Dane being of bag of douche,

Wizz.

For Whose Sake?

2006-09-19T22:34:00.000-04:00

Ok... So I am typing this from the point of view where I am not in a band, but if I were this is how things would be.

A) Members.
1. The members that would make up this band would share a common musical goal, they are allowed to bring their own flavor of spice to the table... but the theme should be common.

B) Songs.
1. Songs to be played by this band, as far as cover songs go, would be songs that the general public would know. None of this bullshit abstract song stuff that people would hear and say "uhh... what the hell?" People listen to bands, of the kind that I would be in, to have a good time and hear some decent tunes.... not some shit that some indie band made available on a japanese exclusive release b-side to a single.

2. The ability to actually play the songs chosen to practice is also a very important part here. The fact that someone might be 1/32nd of a string turn out of tune isn't going to matter to the guy having a cocktail and wanting to hear fucking freebird ok. It doesn't have to be perfect, it just has to sound good, and have fun.

C) Practice.
1. While practicing the agreed upon songs, it is important to keep track or yourself...not everyone else. Until you are playing that part perfect... just let the others work on their own. If you at practice, you should do exactly that, practice. Do not sit there and play the same shitty chords over and over and over for 2 hrs trying to convince the others that it sounds good, or resembles some guitarists playing style. It doesn't...

Just because more than 20 people have heard a song, doesn't mean that is isn't good... or shouldn't be played. I'd much rather sit and play "Be My Escape" or some 3 Doors Down if I know I'm going to have fun doing it, and others will enjoy it. Now don't get me wrong... if I could throw it down like Chris Adler, Jason Bittner, or even Neil Peart... I would. I can't... I know this. Maybe someday... but until then I'll enjoy what I can play. I pray for the day that Avengement becomes a reality...as the rest of the world should.

Until We Meet Again...Rest Uneasily.

-Spike

Inaction Figure!

2006-09-16T12:35:00.000-04:00

X-Men Legends 2 is sweet ass. X-Men action figures are not.

I've been pissed for years about their butchering of Colossus (he's silver, NOT graphite). But how about Professor X?

I will give them credit, they did not mess up putting a man in a wheelchair. However, I don't get the point of having him in that form, as a toy. Who in the hell wants to play with that? If you're a kid and get that for Christmas, put yourself up for adoption.

I don't care if they advertise "33 Points of Articulation." What could you possibly move!? His fingers!? Wow, the wheels roll, greattttttt.

The big travesty in all of this is for those collectors out there who want to make Galactus. You have to buy the professor to make the whole figurine! It's not like could've included a hand or a leg instead. I would definitely leave Galactus without a limb and say that Bishop blew it off, but you can't have it without a head. That would look plain stupid. But I imagine there are a lot of 30-something-parent-basement-dwellers that have one headless action figure.

- Worm.

Those Authors Must've Went To College

2006-09-16T12:09:00.000-04:00

While perusing MTV's preview of Thrice's upcoming elementally-themed release (Earth, Wind, Fire, Water...all good for multi-resistant monsters in Diablo II), I latched onto this segment:

"There's going to be four discs, and they will each be themed differently," Kensrue said. "It will be a large body of music — maybe around 25 songs or so. I've never been a fan of double albums; I'm a fan of shorter records. This will kind of be just multiple, shorter records, and each one will be self-sufficient. But also, they all tie into each other. We have a lot of bass material written for it, and we're kind of at this point where we have the core parts of the songs written, and we've been getting together and trying to flesh those out. "

Really MTV...bass material? Are you sure it isn't "base" material? You know, a way to describe having the guts of a song done, just needing to build on them. Sounds like Eddie Breckenridge is the overachiever in the band. I guess my work on Guitar Hero means Avengments has a lot of bass material as well.

To follow that up, I noticed a sweet news feed from MSNBC that read: 'GA law would requires sex offenders...'

Mmm, fantastic. I do have to wonder though, will that being going on Keith Olbermann's 'Worse, Worser, and Worst' segment?

After all this, you may be thinking, "Hey, Worm, you mispell too."

That I do, but I have a readership of about 5 persons, not 5 million. And I don't stick my fingers up my ass, right Keith?

"Mmm, poopy."

Glenn Beck rules your world,
Worm.

Save The Rock Tower!

2006-09-16T11:32:00.000-04:00

That's a Back To The Future reference, BTW. As for the issue at hand -

I hate The Wiggles...

...but I hate The Doodlebops more.

Is that who we really want to teach our children how to rock? No sir.

Avengement's first tour will be saving our youth from these abominations. We will display their severed heads on Spike's drum kit. Hey, if we don't do it, who will? The cost of a few lives to ensure a future of good rock n' roll is worth it. It's sort of like the Terminator. Only instead of trying to kill Sarah Connor, he's preventing the machines from having to listen to jay music.

-Wyrminator.

I Likes Rottwielress

2006-09-11T16:23:00.000-04:00

I bet he gets all the frat balls he can lick!

- Worm.

I Refrain From Cursing

2006-09-07T00:07:00.000-04:00

I already had a post half-written, half of which was full of 'F' bombs. What precipitated this near publication of vulgarity was my run-in with yet another fine Microsoft product, Publisher. I'd spent roughly 3 hours (this included research, mind you) working on a brochure for my community pharmacy tomorrow and figured I could wrap it up right before bed. I've always prided myself on being able to manipulate Microsoft software into doing what I wanted it to, even if it was after much trial and error.

My problem resulted from trying to keep the same style font for each column which, I thought, was fixed by merely copying and pasting the original column. That way, I could just erase the text, start anew with the same line spacing, font size, etc. While putting the finishing touches on my third column of writing, I noticed that for some reason the second column contained the exact same text I had just typed in the third. So I went to the first column on the front of the brochure and sure enough, all the text from the third column was there as well.

To use the final words of Steve Irwin, "WTF, mate?!" Why in the hell would typing in one column determine what forms in the others!? Here's the kicker: I did the exact same procedure to form the headings...and all the headings stayed different!

Someone, please, have a logical explanation for why this happened.

"The man, he, he took the words, and he huwaaaaaaaaaahhhh haa hah aaaaahh!"

I am completely miserable, Grand Rapids.

- Wormstrum, ready to die.

Maybe They'll Name A Shoe After Him

2006-09-04T23:45:00.000-04:00

Probably something from the Crocs line.

Ouch. Not only was that in poor taste, but those shoes were also mentioned in a blog post only a few entries ago!

My take on the whole deal, which is obviously why you are reading this, is that the dude got what he had coming to him...and I mean that in the nicest possible way. He was constantly around killer creatures (and sometimes his toddlers were as well) and you can't expect to live forever. Unless you're Kratos.

I think the greatest tragedy in all of this is how quietly Timothy Treadwell died by comparison. He didn't have a catchphrase, but was doing even better work than Mr. Irwin (his lone motive being to protect animal species, not just film them).

Ending your life as a crocodile hunter can't be all that bad, right? You could die being known as a lot worse. Like say, going out as a baby possum hunter. Or, worse yet, a whale hunter. Oh, you know what whales I be talking bout!

Man, how did those migrate to a tourist island?

Don't sleep on that. Litrelly.

- Wyrm.

It's Sort Of Like A Top Ten

2006-09-04T17:07:00.000-04:00

Only it's the bottom...and it's not ten things.

As it has been well documented, I hated where I lived last year. The main reason stemmed from what I'll call our fifth roommate, Color's girlfriend. Sure, I could write a whole blog post about her, but why be petty? I'm a grown man and ripping on someone who I'll never see again is very low class.

Then again...I will never get those horrific moans, groans, and squeals out of my head from whenever she was doing the neutron dance in the room next door.

Bahhhhhhhhhhhh, fuck it. I've been saving this for awhile, might as well unleash it.

The Top 4 (x 2) Stupid Things Meghan Has Said (in my presence):

1) "Mold grows on pumpkins?"

2) "What's goulash?"

3) "Hot dogs can blow up in the microwave?"

4) "I'm not used to 2% milk." (reason being the milk had actually gone bad)

5) "No, you couldn't hear me."

6) "Eww! Ehhhhewwwww! You're drooling on me!"

7) "Are you really Asian?" (said to me, not Nooney, because I was making rice)

8) "Hey Worm, is Teri Hatcher in Desperate Housewives?" (March 23, 2006)

Did I mention that karma makes me smirk?

- Wizz.

Where I'll Spend My Dying Days

2006-09-04T16:19:00.000-04:00

I saw this on a middle East documentary late at night on PBS. It's pretty much the coolest thing ever.
It's known simply as 'The Palm' and it's in Dubai. Each one of those 'leaves' is its own residential area. The thing is absolutely massive (durr).

Yes Spike, I will have a boat.

- Worm

Your Baby Is A Self-Promoting Icon

2006-09-04T12:30:00.000-04:00

I understand why parents are all fanatical about their kids. All the great creation caused by two people forgetting to use a Nuvaring, hey, I get it. I don't get why people think babies are cute (they all look the same, regardless of the sex, they're all fat with chubby faces, chubby arms, and chubby legs, they wet themselves without inhibition, puke constantly, cry for no reason, and can only poop to defend themselves against cougars if left alone in the wild), but I won't go on that tangent today.

I would like to say that I think it's a shame when parents buy all sorts of expensive, name brand clothing for a kid that's going to outgrow it in a matter of months. Can I remember if I wore Crocs or not at the tender age of 2? Hellz no. So why buy it?

Because it makes you look like a hip parent. Not only are you in tune to your own fashion, but that of your offspring as well! Don't blame me for writing this, blame those resort guests who filled me full of disgust by spiking the hair of their one year-old.

I'll bet years from now he'll think it was cool that not only he looked like Neo, but by appearing as such, he also eked out some extra teet from an adoring stranger!

Nobody puts baby in the salon,

Worm.

Disestablishmentarianism Is Just Another Word For Apathy

2006-09-04T12:09:00.000-04:00

Over the course of this past summer, I realized that there is a new trend among tourists: using an extensive vocabulary to impress meager resort employees. Since they don't realize that straight cash (homey) is the only thing that makes an impact on us, they decide to give us the English language instead. I'll share two examples with you that don't include the phrases "I appreciate it" and "Thank you so much."

Upon dropping off a few bags, I had a guest ask me for a legend. I gave him this perplexed look and thought of calling upon the ex-Tinman, which is what you all naturally thought as well. When he rephrased his inquiry and mentioned the resort, I thought back to my sixth grade english class and remembered that legend is another word for map. Hey, thanks sir, there's no way you could've said map. I'm sure your wife loves the road trips.

Wifer: "Honey, we're lost."

Map-hater: "No no, just get out the legend."

Wifer: "..."

Map-hater: "Out of the glovebox, get the legend! THE LEGEND!"

Second, I had a different guest ask for a list of tariffs. What, to cross the bridge?

"For you poopydick, it's a dolla' twenty five."

Oh, wait, you mean room rates? Gee, by expending that great knowledge of yours, you sure did impress me massa'. I's so stupid and below you. Please, spread your wealth of wisdom upon the world wherever you go!

Who's bitter?

- Worm

With Jupiter Casting It's Light On My Desk, I Write Thee

2006-08-28T00:21:00.000-04:00

Thee.

Over the summer, I realized how often I say things that have no significance. I end up babbling on about something that really only means a damn to me because, well, it involves me. Who cares about how much 2130 tipped me? Why would anyone want to know that I nearly bought Pert shampoo since I couldn't find Suave? How could telling a story of getting my leg humped by a Bulkrainian gal be viewed as entertainment? Okay, I'll get to that one later, but not tonight.

I figured out that this blog is most certainly a reflection of these unimportant and frequently unorganized thoughts. Hence, I've decided to rededicate myself to ICGBT. I'll stop posting so many random items which will, I hope, lead to more concise (yes, that means shorter) and eloquent entries (yes, I looked that up). Keep your eyes peeled for a disclaimer as well. I also would like to garner a few more readers, even if it means me whoring out this address to random people on the internets that none of us know. The wheels of change are in motion!

Fee fie, fo fum...

- Worm's looking down the barrel of a Devil's Gun.

I'll Have Mine With Extra shuSHgrr

2006-06-23T18:27:00.000-04:00

Now that my unexpected guest has departed, I can finally concentrate and write. Over the last few weeks I have written notes about what I should blog about when finally given the chance. So, here it is. But don't expect much with the lack of pictures and fancy links like I usually overload yous all with. Also, fuck proofreading.

However, were it not for proofreading, would you still read this blog? Am I witty enough to overcome poor grammar and even worse spelling? I ask you this only because even if a merchant's heart is in the right place, it must be in the write place for me to buy. Granted, this doesn't happen often, if ever, that I would shy away from a purchase based on poor Englilish, but I did see a young boy selling lemonade downtown today. Fifty cents was way too high for this tourist-ridden town, in my opinion, but what really lost my sale was his sign, which read exactly as drawn in MS Paint:

I sure hope his funds are going to the Sylvan Learning center or Phonics. Otherwise, he's fooked.

An equally stupid occurence from today involved a jammed luggage cart, a snooty Edward Jones female rep, and yours truly. While un-wedging the trapped cart, said rep (a stupid, over-boobed lady) comes over to light up a smoke and talk on her cellular phonage. As she stands next to the cart, the following takes place:

Over-Boobed Lady: "Are you moving that cart?"

Wyrmself: "Why yes, I am."

OBL: "And I'm in your way?"

W: "Ha, yea."

---End of conversation---

She proceeds to smoke and talk, undeterred by the banging of the cart and my eventual departure in disgust. WTF, mate?

But that's life, ya know man? That's life. I bet if she were a he, he would've moved. I'm convinced that if I ever speak to a woman, it will have no immediate impact on her. This very same morning, I said "Hi" to Non-Squirrel-Turds Jess, to which she replied with a "Hello"...to Justin, looking clearly at him. At least give credit where credit is do! Pay the piper, whore! Oh well, hopefully she ends up on MSNBC, crying about getting raped by a MySpace "friend."

And apparently, there's no such thing as parental intervention to stop that from happening. Even Nightline (hey, we've only got so many channels up here) had a report about parents being disjointed from their sexually activated teenaged daughters. All the parents were shocked that their kids had been going downtown for years, didn't consider it sex, etc. etc. Shocker, indeed. But for the sweetest irony in quite some time, this offspring sex inquisition was brought to ABC by none other than Seventeen magazine. So of course, the network proudly displays the current month's issue with the cover reading "Sex Report!" I'll bet none of those parents paid for their little slut's subscription to that...

Side note: ABC said some father said they talked to the reporter privately after the convention. Now, if you put them on camera and mention that they spoke, is that really private?

Oh, so that's why I wrote down Emily Turner from LSU. Goo!

Lastly, if you see the Nissan Pathfinder commercial that contains the phrase "What if we took a trip and only made left turns? How far would we go?", go to your nearest Nissan dealer and fight them. And when they are bloodied and bruised, scream "ABOUT A FUCKING BLOCK!"

The end.

- Wyrm.